Blind
by xXxPrettyinPinkxXx
Summary: He never once saw this happening to him. Yet here he was, at rock bottom. The once strong leader of Big Time Rush was spiraling out of control, and he was doing it to himself. Rated T for an eating disorder.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Sudden Realizations**

** AN: Hey guys! This is my new story! It's a multi-chapter : ) I was inspired to write this one because of all the James-eating disorder stories that I've read. I wanted to read one about Kendall, since he's my favorite, but there were none so I decided to write one myself. I'm honestly pretty proud of it, so I really hope you like it as well! Please tell me if I should continue it if you like it, I would truly appreciate your opinions! Review please, I would love that! Anyway, here's the story!**

**Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING. Not Big Time Rush nor Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I promise.**

"James, please hurry up in the bathroom. I still have to get ready and we only have half an hour left. _Please_ don't repeat last Thursday." Kendall banged on the door and sighed. James took the longest in the bathroom out of all the guys, since he had to "perfect 'the face'". Waiting for him was unbearable.

"Kendall, I am _the face_ of Big Time Rush, thus I need to look amazing at all times. Besides, at least I actually care about my looks."

Kendall sighed. James in the morning was a very grumpy person, but Kendall was nonetheless hurt. He'd been feeling pretty down lately and besides, they all cared about their looks. It was Hollywood! Everyone cared about how they looked here.

"Just hurry up." Kendall rolled his eyes and sighed. He could hear Logan and Carlos downstairs arguing about something. And then he heard a crash (glass breaking?), followed by Logan whisper-shouting "You idiot!" Kendall chuckled. Of course Carlos would break something by accident when Logan was upset.

Kendall turned back to the door as it opened, revealing James. His hair was in fact, neat and perfectly in place, the total opposite of Kendall at that moment.

"Now go make yourself presentable!" James shoved Kendall in the bathroom and slammed the door. Kendall sighed, frustrated. He checked his cell phone: 8:37 am. Great, he had ten minutes.

_"Stupid James!"_ Kendall thought as he brushed his teeth at the fastest pace he could manage. He finished, and started to comb his hair. It just wouldn't look right and he was in a bad mood, so he decided to put on one of his beanies. He then dashed downstairs and met up with the rest of the guys. They were expected at Rocque Records at 9:15 am, and it was 8:50 with a twenty minute drive to the studio.

The boys piled in the BTR mobile and sped off to the studio. Logan drove, since he was the best driver, always being over-cautious. Kendall got shot-gun and Carlos and James filed in the back. During the ride, Logan and Carlos were arguing about the vase incident (yes, it was Mrs. Knight's glass vase that fell) and how Logan worried about everything. Kendall chuckled here and there at the stupid argument.

"Logan you are such a worrier. Seriously it was no big deal!"

"Carlos you _broke_ a vase! You are so clumsy sometimes! Get a grip!" God Logan was funny when he was angry…

"Well _sorry_. Take a chill pill Logie and live a little, will ya?"

Logan huffed. "This conversation is over."

"Aww Logan's mad guys!"

Kendall, being the unofficial official leader of the group knew when to stop some arguments. Like this one. "Hey guys look, we're at the studio. Now get out of the car."

They did as they were told. They always listened to Kendall, even though he and James were the youngest. Carlos was the oldest (and least mature), Logan was second (and most cautious), James was third (and had always known he'd be famous from a young age with his looks and talent) and Kendall was actually the youngest (and the most levelheaded). But you would never know he was the youngest on the outside. He acted as their protector, doing anything to keep his loved ones safe no matter what. He was wise beyond his years, and he had a good sense of right and wrong. Even though he wasn't full of childhood innocence like Carlos, full of a strong drive like James, or as brilliant as Logan, he had the biggest heart imaginable. Kendall was the one with the plans, always getting them out of trouble, even if it was his fault. He chuckled to himself remembering all their schemes as they entered the recording studio.

"It's about TIME you got here DOGS!" Gustavo yelled when the group walked into the studio. Kendall checked his watch: 9:08 am. They were early…

"Gustavo, we aren't late, we're seven minutes early…" Logan pointed out to his boss.

Gustavo rolled his eyes. "Early is on time, on time is late and late is UNACCEPTABLE!" Gustavo stood over Logan and yelled the last word.

Logan cringed. "Point made."

Gustavo calmed himself down, and motioned the boys into the recording studio. "Today we are working on _If I Ruled the World_, _Worldwide_,_ and Famous_. You have a concert in four weeks, now make some music!" The tracks started playing, and the guys started to sing. They sounded amazing, as usual, and rehearsal was done before they knew it.

"Well, that's a wrap. Now go practice dancing so you don't look like headless chickens onstage." Gustavo waved them out, and they walked quickly out.

"Nice job today guys! That sounded great!" Logan told his friends.

"You too bro." Carlos punched him on the shoulder.

Logan glared at him. "I'm still not happy with you."

"Logan shut up." James rolled his eyes. "You really need to relax, take a load off! Just have fun dude. Speaking of fun, we're here!" James beamed as he entered the dance studio.

x-x-x-x-x

The guys practiced for hours, doing back flips and the other routines Mr. X made for them. They were exhausted at the end of the day.

"Nice work, you're free to go for the day." Mr. X smiled and walked to the room where his office was as the boys trudged out of the studio.

"Hey Kendall, you feeling okay? You were totally out of it today, you sucked." Logan asked him, concerned (but was that a smirk?).

"It was probably from all that _junk_ he was eating yesterday _and_ today." James shrugged. Logan looked at him and nodded. Hey, it was a possibility.

_Yep, there's that hurt again._ Kendall inwardly groaned. "No, I'm just tired." _And slowly starting to ache more inside thanks a lot guys…_

"Well, we're all done, lets head back to the apartment and watch a movie or something." Logan suggested, turning to them. James shrugged.

"YES! MOVIE NIGHT!" Carlos pumped his fist.

On the way back to the apartment, they guys argued over which movie they wanted to watch. They decided on _Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince_. As they entered, they went off to get the stuff they would need. Kendall got blankets from the closet, James dug through the movies to find the DVD, Logan made lots of popcorn, and Carlos got the drinks. They all met on the giant orange couch and popped the movie in, and started talking.

"Logie, this is really good popcorn." Carlos commented, his mouth full.

"I can tell. _Please_ keep your mouth _closed_, Carlos. _Nobody_ needs to see that." Logan looked away quickly from Carlos's see-food as he ate a few pieces of popcorn himself.

James laughed, taking a sip of his soda. Whenever Logan acted all mature towards Carlos, it was hilarious, since Carlos was anything but. He watched the movie, but only half paid an attention. He started thinking about everything: His friends, the band, his hair, and everything else. His focus goes from his mind to his friends as he watched a very strange scene unfold.

"Whoa, Kendall, I don't think you should eat that. You've been sluggish lately, haven't you? And you had pizza yesterday for lunch." Logan told him, taking the popcorn from Kendall's grip.

_So did all of you!_ Kendall's stomach crashed down to the floor. What? Why were they doing this? He was perfectly fine, he wasn't fat.

Was he?

"I didn't even have any yet."

"I just want you on your game tomorrow, buddy. That's all. Like Gustavo said, we have a concert in four weeks, and we _need_ to be ready." Logan said, throwing his hands up in defense.

"I _am_ on my game! I've been eating as much as you!"

"Uh, you've been eating a lot of junk lately, Ken. Maybe this is for the best?" Carlos squeaked, in the smallest voice imaginable. James shrugged, agreeing.

Kendall couldn't believe what was happening. Were they saying he was getting fat? He hadn't noticed any weight in the mirror. His chest tightened, and he felt that deep pain from earlier come back, stronger than ever.

_Am I not good enough?_

_No._ He shook his head slightly, hoping the others wouldn't notice. _I'm fine. They're making a big deal out of nothing Stupid Hollywood insecurities. _But he subconsciously knew he was trying to convince himself.

He decided to watch the movie, putting his full attention on it. He wasn't even paying attention to the sounds of his friends munching on the popcorn he wasn't "allowed" to have. Jerks.

The movie finally finished, and it was eleven at night. The boys all said goodnight and went to their rooms: Carlos and James in one, Logan and Kendall in the other. Kendall sat on his bed as he waited for the bathroom to brush his teeth. He thought about the many ways he started to feel like absolute garbage. There were too many to count, and that hurt. A lot. It was no question why he wasn't at the "top of his game". But his friends didn't know. _Couldn't_ know. Kendall tended to keep things bottled up, and only cried when he'd explode. He cried only in the shower if he needed to, and that hadn't happened in months. He _was_ the confident one after all.

"Kendall, it's your turn." Logan said as he walked over to his bed with a yawn.

Kendall nodded, and walked to the bathroom, almost robot-like. He closed the door and stared into the mirror. He didn't know exactly what he was looking for, faults, flaws, whatever. He just stared at himself. He brushed his teeth and did everything he needed to get ready for bed. Once he finished, he looked at his reflection one more time. He looked like he normally did: Blonde hair, eyebrows, emerald green eyes. He found nothing amiss.

He shrugged and was about to open the door, when the weighing scale caught his eye, and he stopped in his tracks.

_I guess it wouldn't hurt… _He stepped on and waited for the number to show up. He heard a beep, meaning it was done, and he looked down.

143.

143 pounds.

Kendall kept saying that in his mind. 143. One-forty-three. Average. He shrugged and turned to the door, he felt fine.

But then he remembered the comments.

"_At least I actually _care_ about how I look!"_

"_Now go make yourself _presentable_!"_

"_It was probably from all that _junk_ he was eating yesterday _and_ today."_

"_I don't think you should _eat _that."_

"_You've been eating_ a lot _of junk lately, Ken."_

They may as well have said one thing to sum it all up:

"_You're _fat_ and _ugly_ and we don't want you to _embarrass_ us anymore."_

Kendall felt the tears cascading down his pale face before he realized he was crying. He never cried. Yet there he was. And he wasn't even in the shower. He had never felt so small, so worthless in his entire life. It disgusted him, his _body_ disgusted him. He couldn't look in the mirror, fearing what he would be faced with. He was determined to never feel like this again. He was up to their silent challenge.

Something was gonna have to change.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Actions are Stronger than Words**

**AN: Hey guys! It's me : ) Thank you for the reviews! I honestly can't thank you enough! I am really happy with this story and I have the **_**greatest**_** idea for this, just be patient :D I just have a few things to say, and then I'll leave you alone: I am gonna try my best to add a bit of humor into this to keep it from getting too depressing. Hopefully it works… Also, I know that Kendall's weight is pretty low for him, but I can assure you that I calculated his BMI online to make sure it was okay. I made him 5'9 1/2" so that he had a healthier BMI of 20.8 : ) Alright enough of me, here's chapter two of Blind!**

**DISCALIMER: I STILL OWN NOTHING. **

_BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP_

Kendall groaned and shut off the obnoxious alarm clock. It was seven am, and he really didn't want to be awake. He felt like he hadn't slept at all. He had been silently crying the whole night.

He dragged his body out of bed, and used everything in him not to scream. He felt like he was three hundred pounds! He looked to Logan's bed, expecting him to still be sleeping. He was correct as usual, and he threw a pillow at him to wake him up, their morning ritual.

Logan jumped and looked around, as always. "Oh, hey Kendall." He mumbled, his voice still clogged with sleep. Kendall laughed and got up and headed into the bathroom.

He stepped in and closed the door silently. He took off his shirt and pants, leaving him in his boxers. He then took a shaky breath, closed his eyes, and slowly walked to face the mirror. He opened his eyes, and gasped. He wanted to start sobbing hysterically then and there.

Since when did his face look _that_ round? It had never once looked like that, and his_ stomach_! It was soft and pudgy and _nasty_. He looked like mush. It took all he had to keep his tears from leaking at the sight of him.

_This is _going_ to change. _He brushed his teeth and combed his hair, only concentrating on the rat's nest on his head, his eyes avoiding his face and body. Once his hair was tamed, he put his pajamas back on and walked back to his room. He could hear the rest of his friends downstairs, arguing over breakfast.

"Lo-gan! Just make pancakes!"

"We had pancakes yesterday!"

"And we can have them again! Logan, come on."

"No Carlos."

"Well then what are we going to have?"

"Make yourself cereal, James."

"Logan, why won't you make pancakes?"

"Because."

"Because _why_?" Carlos was getting frustrated.

"I don't want Kendall eating them." Logan looked ashamed. Carlos and James shared a confused look, but then understood and went to get cereal.

Kendall stifled a sob and ran to his room, shutting the door. He slid down, tears flowing freely. He felt so lost and betrayed, he just couldn't take it. He made himself stop before anyone heard and laughed at him for being pathetic as he dragged himself off the floor and over to his closet. He pulled out a pair of dark baggy jeans and a loose t-shirt. Anything to hide the _disaster_ that was his body. Pulling together his pride, Kendall walked downstairs and into the kitchen, where he was greeted by quiet crunching of cereal.

"Morning, Kendall. How're ya doing?" Carlos asked, trying to be pleasant. Kendall felt like laughing in his face, but he was stronger than that.

"I'm fine, just need to wake up a little bit." He went and got himself a glass of water and went to sit with his friends at the kitchen table.

"You hungry Ken? I can get you cereal if you want." Logan asked him. AT the word 'cereal', Kendall's stomach lurched, remembering the conversation that had just occurred.

"No thanks, I'll eat later." _Much later. _He chuckled to himself as the others finished up and went to get ready. He sat at the table and was lost in his thoughts for what seemed like forever, until he felt someone tapping his shoulder.

"Dude, we're going. C'mon." James motioned to the door where Logan and Carlos were waiting. The four went to the car and drove to the studio. Logan, Carlos and James were talking, but Kendall wasn't paying attention. He laughed every once in a while, but it was forced. Thankfully, none of them noticed.

When they arrived, they went straight to rehearsal, the same as yesterday; only today they weren't going to be singing for three hours; Only two hours and fifty minutes. As the boys sang their hearts out, Kendall found himself suddenly feeling exhausted despite his 9 hours of sleep. He shrugged it off and kept going for as long as they kept singing.

x-x-x-x-x

When they finally finished, they went back to 2J for the day, since dance lessons were every other day. James and Carlos went straight to the orange couch to play video games, and Logan started to read some doctor book. Kendall sighed, seeing everyone was doing their own thing. Taking this as an excuse, he decided to go to the gym to work off his weight. He went to his room and changed, then slipped out the door and walked to the gym.

x-x-x-x-x

"Kendall? Dude you've been here for three hours, it's time to eat dinner." James came to the front of the treadmill where Kendall was running. He'd ran and speed walked for eight miles, and he wasn't planning on stopping to eat what he had just worked _so_ hard to get rid of.

"No thanks, I'm not hungry. I'll be back later." He replied.

James shrugged. "Suit yourself." He walked out and back to 2J, while Kendall resumed his running. He wanted to run at least nine miles before seven thirty, and it was 7:18 with half a mile to go. He'd do it. He knew he would. And then he could go to sleep.

x-x-x-x-x

"So where's Kendall?" Logan asked as the three ate dinner. Mrs. Knight and Katie had left on vacation away from the boys, leaving the four boys on their own. Logan was the one who cooked since he could successfully use the stove without any use of the fire extinguisher.

"He's at the gym doing something." James waved his fork around, not paying attention.

Logan looked puzzled. "Why would he work out instead of eating? He _loves_ food."

"He probably realized too much is bad for him." James looked up at Logan, who was frowning. James shrugged, and went back to eating his mac and cheese. Logan brushed it off, thinking it was good for Kendall to want to get healthy and in shape, and went back to eating as well.

If he only knew that wasn't the case.

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall walked back to the apartment at eight. He had done ten miles on the treadmill and lifted some weights. He was exhausted and his stomach was screaming for food, but at the same time, the pain felt good. He could _feel_ the weight coming off, slowly but surely. He felt _strong_. He saw that Carlos and James were playing video games and Logan was doing the dishes.

"Oh hey Kendall. Do you want anything to eat?" Logan asked as soon as he noticed the blonde standing in the room.

_Is that a test?_ "No thanks, I already ate." He lied smoothly. Kendall grinned at how easy the lies came. He'd never been much of a liar.

"Oh, well, okay then." Logan replied, shock obvious on his features. He looked at his blonde friend, trying to see if something was wrong. Kendall noticed and put up his mask. Logan bought it and went back to the dishes.

Exhausted, Kendall went to the couch, watching his friends play their game. He was only pretending to pay attention, since he was really pinching skin on his arm, feeling disgusted at how much he could lift up. All he could see and feel was _fat_.

"Kendall?"

He looked up to see James and Carlos looking at him, concerned and amused.

"Yes?"

"Dude we were calling your name for…three minutes, I'd say?" James looked to Carlos who nodded.

"Sorry I'm just…tired, that's all." He could pull that off. Besides, James _had_ witnessed him in the gym.

"Well, we're going to bed, so you should too if you're tired." Carlos said, helping his friend up. Kendall held his breath as he felt his weight being lifted. He felt himself turning scarlet from embarrassment, but luckily not one of the other two guys noticed.

"Thanks Carlos. 'Night guys." Kendall mumbled. He went to his room and put on a loose old t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants. He then waited for his turn for the bathroom, and walked in after everyone finished.

Kendall gripped the sink, breathing deeply. His stomach was in agony, and he felt weaker than ever. He told himself to suck it up since it was only day one, and he had a long way to go if he was ever going to be good enough for _anything_. He did what he always did; brushed his teeth and washed his face, and weighed him when he finished:

143.

Same as yesterday.

He groaned sat on the side of the tub, tears threatening to fall. He had to calm down before he walked into his and Logan's room. He didn't need the interrogation.

They'd find something else that was wrong with him if _that_ happened.

x-x-x-x-x

"Hey, guys, we need to talk seriously for a sec." Logan said as he walked into James and Carlos's room.

"About what?" Carlos asked him, suspicious.

"Kendall. Did anyone see what he ate today?" Logan decided it was better not to beat around the bush.

"I don't know, I never saw him eat. He probably just ate when we weren't around so he could hide it." Carlos said, shrugging. It sounded like a possibility, and given the past day, it was _very_ possible.

Logan sighed. "You're probably right. I'm just over-thinking him. See you guys tomorrow." He walked out, leaving the other two. Logan was one hundred percent sure everything was fine. Besides, they were best friends. They told each other everything.

Didn't they?

**AN: Sorry about the weird ending, but I found it best to end there. Thanks for reading chapter 2! I'll start on chapter three ASAP! Please review, it would be greatly appreciated! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Confrontation Number One**

** AN: Halloo BTR fanfiction people! Thank you so much for the reviews! They mean so much! I am loving these fast updates and this story! The ideas just keep on coming! :) Just a quick note: this is 2 weeks later from the last chapter. I don't think I could handle writing one chapter for every single day :P Anyway, enjoy chapter 3!**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.**

_BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP_

Logan faintly heard the sound of an alarm clock beeping, but he tried to sleep through it, knowing Kendall would surely shut it off. After the beeping got overly obnoxious, he sat up, groaning.

"Kendall would you please shut the alarm clock off? This is getting ridiculous!" He fell back on his bed, putting the pillow on his face. He noticed Kendall still hadn't moved. "Ken?" Logan got up, shut the alarm off, and walked over to his blonde friend, who was completely covered in his blanket. Logan slowly pulled the blanket off his face, and gasped. Kendall was extremely pale, and had dark bags under his eyes.

_He must've stayed up too late. _Logan reasoned, and shook Kendall awake. "Kendall it's time to wake up. C'mon."

Kendall didn't budge, he just groaned.

Now Logan was starting to get a little worried, given he _was_ the doctor of the group. He shook Kendall harder. "Kendall you _really_ need to wake up now."

Kendall finally started moving, and his eyes slowly opened. Logan sighed in relief. "Scared me for a sec there, buddy. C'mon, let's get breakfast."

At the word 'breakfast' Kendall's eyes widened, but he quickly hid his fear. "Uh, I'm gonna go to the bathroom first." He jumped out of bed and quickly walked to the bathroom, leaving a shocked Logan. He shut the door quietly, and slid down, feeling weak. His head was pounding as if it had a heartbeat, and he was beyond exhausted. He spent most of his days sleeping now, given the lack of food and energy made him tire quickly. He was also always freezing, so he wrapped himself in blankets whenever possible, like that past night for example, and layered clothes. From the hockey-loving teen to this new person, it was hard to see any bit of the old Kendall Knight within the shell of the broken boy.

Yet his friends saw him as _completely_ normal.

It was probably due to all the extra clothes he wore to keep people from noticing the change in his weight (or lack of, in his eyes). In two weeks, he'd lost thirteen pounds, currently being 130. He was severely underweight with all the exercising he did in all of his free time, even though all he saw was unsightly flab. It was an even divide between exercise and homework, but his friends thought he was just managing his priorities.

Yeah, _right_.

Kendall finished up in the bathroom, almost falling asleep five times, and finally dragged his feet to his room. He put on his boxers, sweatpants, long-sleeved shirt, a sweater, and a giant sweatshirt to cover him up (hide his body) and keep him somewhat warm. He then put on one of his beanies to cover his hair, which was now starting to thin and become extremely dull and sickly. Of course, he didn't care. He'd do anything to be someone worth hanging out with.

And that "anything" was slowly becoming his life.

x-x-x-x-x

"Kendall! We're leaving now, come on!" Carlos called to his young friend. As if on cue, Kendall came running to his friends, smiling, but looking really tired. "Dude, you okay?"

"Yeah, just tired. Couldn't sleep last night." Which wasn't a lie for once. He hadn't been able to fall asleep easily. He'd been quietly sobbing over the intense hunger pains that threatened his sanity. He also cried because no matter what he did, he was still _disgusting_. He just couldn't get rid of the layer of fat on his stomach, the roundness of his cheeks, and his double/triple chins. It was unnerving how pathetic and how much of a failure he felt like. He couldn't even lose a few pounds. Since that first day, the comments had only gotten worse no matter what he did to try and get thinner, make them stop talking about him, make him worth spending time with. Sure, they hung out, but Kendall couldn't help feeling that they felt pity for the overweight friend, thus they kept him around.

Of course, that was totally false to his friends. They loved him like a brother, and never thought their comments would ever mean anything. They thought they were joking.

Funny jokes.

"Well, let's not keep Gustavo waiting. I'd rather skip a boring lecture on being on time today, if you don't mind." Logan said, pushing them out the door. They filed in the car and drove off.

Today was extremely obnoxious. Harmonies and chords for an hour, then they worked on _Nothing Even Matters_ and _City is Ours_, making sure everything was top notch. They finished the three hour session with more harmonies, since Gustavo wasn't pleased the first time.

After they were done, the four band members went to dance practice. None of them noticed the tall blonde lagging behind practically walking in circles like a drunk; he was that dizzy from his headaches and tiredness. But he stayed strong. He was the leader, and they couldn't have a weak leader.

"Welcome back guys. Well, let's get too it." Mr. X started the guys on the dances for _If_ _I Ruled the World_ and _Famous_. They worked for two hours, since Mr. X could see all four were tired from singing all day, some more than others.

"Ok boys, that's a wrap. Great job. Kendall, can I talk to you for a minute?" Mr. X motioned for Kendall to go over, and the blonde obeyed.

"Are you feeling okay, you look like you haven't slept in weeks. Are you sick?"He asked, concerned. Their concert was in two weeks, and none of them could afford to be sick.

He probably thinks I look gross too, which is why I look sick. "No, I'm just a bit tired. Went to bed late last night. Nothing to worry about." Kendall smiled his best smile, his hidden mask stretching to fit it.

Mr. X believed him. Why would Kendall lie? "Alright, but if you feel sick at any time, tell me. I don't need you getting sick this close to the big concert, okay? See you later." Mr. X retreated to his office, and Kendall left to head back to 2J.

x-x-x-x-x

"I wonder what Mr. X wanted to talk to Kendall about." Carlos pondered as he ate a piece of pizza from the fridge for lunch.

"He was probably yelling at him for being slow during practice. He was, like, two whole beats off the whole time!" James exclaimed, biting his slice.

"James, be nice." Logan elbowed James in the ribs. "He was tired this morning and those stupid harmonies couldn't have helped at all. We'll just ask when he gets back." As if on cue, Kendall walked in, somewhat dragging his feet across the floor. "Hey Ken. What did he want to talk to you about?"

Kendall looked up, staring Logan in the eyes. _How can I_ not _make Logan suspicious?_ "He asked if I was alright."

Logan looked absolutely shocked. "Why wouldn't you be?" The shock turned to suspicion. "You _are_ okay, right Kendall?"

Kendall nodded a little too quickly for Logan's liking, but Logan dropped it. "Yup. I just said I was tired, which you already knew." He grinned goofily, and went to the fridge to get some water.

"Hey Ken, you gonna eat?" Carlos asked his friend, his mouth full of pizza.

Kendall started to panic. He was never there when they ate for two whole weeks! He'd never been asked this before!

"Uh, no, I had a big breakfast."

"You did? I didn't see you eat." James said, crossing his arms. _Probably hid it_, he thought to himself.

Kendall gulped. _Come on, Knight, think! _"I ate when you were all getting ready." _Bingo._

James shot him a look, but then seemed to accept the answer. "Okay, but I think you should at least have an apple or something. Healthy is always good, Ken."

Kendall shook his head. "Nah, I'm perfectly fine. Hey I'm going to the gym for a few, see you guys later." He walked to his room to change. Shutting the door, Kendall breathed a sigh of relief. _That was close. _He hoped he would never be confronted like that again. He changed into a new pair of sweats, a t-shirt and sweatshirt, and headed to the Palmwoods gym.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Feels**

** AN: Ohmygoodness have you seen all the reviews I've gotten! Thank you all so much this is amazing! This chapter is for all my reviewers, without whom I probably would never have posted this so soon! The inspiration and motivation just keeps on coming! Thank you all so much! :) I also love how you are picking up on the fact that Logan is somewhat noticing :) He does, but then he dismisses it. Will he ever notice truly? Only time will tell :) Right now, this is almost a filler chapter leading to C5, the buildup to it, but it **_**does**_** contain key turning points for Kendall. Let me tell you, I have BIG plans for my next chapter, and even MORE for C6. It's amazing how I can keep myself from revealing everything now :D Enjoy Chapter 4!**

**Warning: Bulimia "scare" later on.**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING. NOT BTR OR GOOGLE.**

As soon as the door closed, Logan felt his "doctor" alarm go off. He had no idea why, but he suddenly got the feeling something was wrong. When did Kendall ever go to the gym willingly after a long dance practice? And since when did he pass up food?

_He must be trying to lead a healthy lifestyle_, Logan thought to himself, smiling at that. He shook off that thought that something was terribly wrong and went to eat leftover pizza with his other two friends.

Oh Logan, if you only knew…

"Why do you guys think Kendall passed up the opportunity to eat with us?" Carlos asked, mouth once again full of pizza.  
>"Will you ever learn? Mouth closed when you chew. Nobody wants to see that. Ever." Logan gave him a look. Then Carlos showed him see-food, and Logan gagged.<p>

James chuckled and then cleared his throat. "Well, I thought he just hid his food when he ate because he was embarrassed or something." He shrugged. It _was_ the truth.

Logan tilted his head, thinking. "I thought he just wanted to lead a healthy lifestyle, so he ate healthy stuff earlier. Maybe that's it?" He asked his friends.

James shook his head. "I don't know. I mean, this is Kendall. He loves junk food. Look at his diet!"

Logan sighed. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Besides, at least he's exercising it all off."

Carlos nodded. "Yup. Meanwhile, our pizza slices aren't gonna finish themselves. Let's eat!"

x-x-x-x-x

All you could hear were the sounds of fast running on the treadmill and fast, heavy breathing in the Palmwoods gym. Kendall wouldn't stop for his life, of course, no matter how hard it was getting. He'd become completely _addicted_ to exercise. He couldn't go a day without it, or else he would feel even more disgusting than usual. Since he first started nearly three weeks ago, Kendall had lost sixteen pounds. He was now 127, and was becoming more and more like the living death every day, even though he saw the total opposite. He could no longer go more than three hours without sleep, due to not eating nearly enough and not being able to fall/stay asleep at night, and the layered clothes were becoming heavier and bulkier. He'd also gotten a soft layer of hair on his body to keep him warm. Kendall changed a lot in those three weeks, and it was very hard not to see.

Unless, of course, you one of the three other band members of Big Time Rush.

Kendall was very sick. He not only lost weight, but that weight came from his already low body fat amount and the rest was from muscle and tissue. He was definitely getting thinner and thinner, and was constantly getting complimented on his trim physique. He never took those compliments to heart, though. He knew they were lies to make him fatter.

Suddenly, Kendall's feet came from under him, and he nearly collapsed. He was terrified, and decided to call it a day. Besides, he would do sit-ups later before bed.

x-x-x-x-x

"Hey Kendall, you're just in time for dinner."

_Crap._

Kendall looked up and into the eyes of none other than James. He instantly searched his whole brain for an excuse. "I'm really not hungry."

"That's bull. And besides, you never eat with us anymore. Come on!" James motioned him over, and Kendall hesitatingly obliged. He sat down next to James and Carlos, and across from Logan. He looked at his plate: dinosaur chicken nuggets and French fries. Fat, calories and more _fat_. He had to get out of eating.

_Bingo._

"How was everyone's day?" He asked as he cut everything into small pieces.

"Pretty awesome. The Jennifer's are definitely starting to notice me." James said, beaming. "All thanks to the face." He did his little face frame thing, which made Logan roll his eyes.

"Whatever keeps the tears away, Jamie. Anyway, I finished that psychology book today. You know, the one that deals with mental disorders? I have to familiarize myself with these diseases if I ever want to be a doctor." Logan bit into a French fry.

Carlos stared at him blankly. "After you said psychology, I just droned that out." He dodged a fry thrown by Logan. "Hey! Violence is never the answer! You- Kendall, what are you doing?" Everyone turned to Kendall, who had cut up all his food into the smallest of pieces.

"I'm eating. Just like all of you."

"Noooo, you are cutting your food." Carlos accused.

Kendall panicked. This wasn't supposed to happen! He only had one way out.

He was going to have to eat a piece.

Kendall found the smallest piece, and put it in his mouth. All he could taste was the fat and grease, but he was being watched, thus he swallowed. Even though he wanted to cry for being so weak, he smiled. "See? I'm eating. Gosh, I'm really full. I'm gonna go try and sleep. I'm so tired." He got up and threw away the uneaten food then walked to the bathroom.

His friends were more than a little confused.

"What just happened?" James asked, eyes wild with confusion.

"I don't know, but I can tell you I don't like it." Logan frowned, heart beating fast.

"Is Kendall sick?" Carlos asked, turning to Logan.

"I don't know, but I am determined to find out."They all got up, appetites ruined, and they cleared the table and did the dishes. Then they all said "Goodnight" and went to their rooms. Logan noticed Kendall was in the bathroom, so he waited patiently.

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall sat on the side of the tub, feeling pathetic and weak, since he ate the chicken and because he, Kendall Knight, the leader of Big Time Rush, was _crying_ about it.

He wanted nothing more than to get that chicken out of him.

_Wait a second…_ Something caught his eye. He turned, and looked at the toilet. The simple answer to his maddening problem.  
><em>No, Kendall, you don't want to do that.<em> He shook his head, trying to get the idea out of his head.

But then again…it _was_ an easy solution. And that way, he could get rid of the food he'd eaten earlier as well. It was _foolproof_.

_Come on, you know you want to. Like you said, you're weak. You couldn't do it, even if you wanted to. Pathetic. _The voice whispered, almost tauntingly to him, as Kendall got closer. He kneeled, and got his fingers ready.

Then there was a knock on the door.

"Kendall, are you almost done?" Kendall jumped at the voice of Carlos.

He cleared his throat, making his voice normal. "Yeah, hang on." He quickly brushed his teeth and opened the door, smiling. "Sorry about that."

"No problemo, Ken. See you tomorrow." Carlos entered, leaving Kendall in the hall. He walked to his and Logan's room, and was greeted by a waiting Logan, who looked _very_ agitated.

"Kendall," He began, "if something was bothering you, you would tell me, right?"

Kendall laughed. "Of course Logie! You're my brother. Why, what's up?"

_I could ask you the same thing_, Logan thought. "Nothing. Just making sure everyone is all good for next Saturday's concert, that's all."

Kendall faked a yawn. He was tired, but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. "All good here. Now I'm exhausted, see you tomorrow morning, Loge." Kendall got into bed, and closed his eyes.

"'Night, Ken." Logan got into his bed, but not before making sure he had a valuable item within reach. He turned off the lights and checked the time. 10:48 pm. Logan shrugged and went to sleep.

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall couldn't sleep again.

From scaring the crap out of himself in the bathroom, to having to eat more than he planned, it was a little too much for the teen to handle. Of course, he started to do what he normally did to get himself exhausted: Sit-up after sit-up. After two hundred and twelve, he was finally tried enough to sleep. He checked the time: 12:57 am. Well, it took him a half-hour less than the night before.

And on that note, the broken blonde went into dreamland.

x-x-x-x-x

Logan opened his laptop when he was sure his blonde friend was still sleeping. It was three in the morning, and he knew he'd pay for it come rehearsal, but right now that didn't matter. He had a seed of worry plated in his stomach for Kendall, and he somehow knew something was wrong.

He just didn't know _what_.

Logan went on Google to look up some sort of diagnosis for his friend. _But what to type into the search engine?_ He looked over at Kendall, trying to notice anything out of the ordinary. He noticed Kendall's hair looked brittle; the shine was completely gone and instead was a dull, lifeless look. His skin was also very dry from what he could see and from what he'd noticed earlier. Then there was the eating and exercise. He typed _over exercising_, _not eating a lot_, and _dry skin and hair_. He hit the enter button, and waited a few seconds for his answer.

In just one second, he got it.

Logan's eyes widened, his mouth forming a perfect "O" in shock, fear, and disbelief. _It can't be…_

"Oh my God…"

**AN: Not the dreaded cliffhanger! And YAY! They finally noticed something is wrong! *insert happy dance here* I **_**love**_** Logan right now :D **


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Big Time Shocker**

**AN: Ok, so I know everyone is DYING to know what happens next, so wait no more! I would have posted tomorrow, but I couldn't wait! First, let me make something clear: Kendall NEVER threw up. He was gonna, but he was startled. Ok, glad we covered that. These next two chapters are major, so I'll try to make them as awesome as I can! :D So, can anyone guess what Logan found? I bet all of you already know. Anyways, here's Chapter 5 for you all to enjoy! (PS. I did my research for this, just in my words. A very Logan thing to do :D ) **

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

Logan stared at his computer screen, unable to move his eyes away. He felt his breath knocked out of him, and he was just in a state of shock. He looked away, rubbed his eyes, and looked back, thinking what he saw was due to being groggy. But it was still the same:

_Anorexia Nervosa. _

"Oh my God." Logan repeated again, his voice barely a whisper. He clicked on the article, and read it, trying of make sense of the situation. He read the symptoms: _Deliberate self-starvation with weight loss,__fear of gaining weight__, __refusal to eat or skipping meals__, __denial of hunger__, __wearing baggy clothes__, __constant exercising__, __greater amounts of hair on the body or the face__, __sensitivity to cold temperatures__, __loss of scalp hair__, and __thinking they are fat when the person is really too thin_.

Logan wanted to cry. Kendall did all of that. Well except the last one, because Kendall didn't think he was fat.

Right?

Logan looked over at his sleeping friend. He looked fine, but then again, it was somewhat dark. He couldn't be sure until morning. Logan decided he wanted to read everything he could so he knew what to look for when Kendall woke up. _People with anorexia often have certain rituals they do, such as eating certain foods first, not eating in front of others, or cutting food into smaller pieces. They may exercise frequently until fatigued. The most obvious sign is that they see themselves as fat, even if they are dangerously thin. People also tend to stay away from family and friends, and are often in a lethargic, depressed state. They are also always cold from losing body mass. They may also wear baggy clothes to either hide a thin body, or the more common hiding of an "overweight" body. _Logan gulped. Kendall had just cut his food that night. He wore baggy clothes every day. He layered clothes. He went to the gym all the time, and stayed alone. Logan was going to be sick. His best friend was _dying_, and he hadn't noticed until then. How long had this been going on? How skinny was Kendall now?

Logan continued reading, paying attention to every detail. How could he face Kendall tomorrow? What would he say? Would the others believe him? Would Kendall listen? Did Kendall _want_ help? The questions continued to plague him as he read the article. He felt a drop of water fall in his arm, and realized he was crying. He was terrified. He was sixteen; they were supposed to be having fun, not worrying about life or death for their friends! When Logan couldn't take any more, he shut the computer down, and laid on his pillow. The tears hadn't stopped, but he stayed quiet so Kendall could sleep. He now knew his friend needed all the sleep he could get. That's when Logan realized.

Only _he_ knew. The other two were _clueless_.

Logan decided to wait until morning. His friends needed rest.

They were going to need it if they were gonna react the way Logan thought they would.

x-x-x-x-x

Logan woke up first that morning, and he felt the result of his late night. His first thought was to wake Kendall up so they could talk. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the blonde. Logan sighed. Kendall was facing away.

He got up, quietly as possible, and went to James and Carlos's room. He shook James awake.

"Logan, what are you _doing_ here?" James pushed him away, voice groggy.

"Please James, there's no time. Get up." Logan was frantically shaking Carlos as he spoke. Carlos was notoriously a heavy sleeper.

"Five more minutes mom..." Carlos mumbled in his sleep. Logan sighed and shook harder, biting his lip.

"Carlos, please!"  
>Carlos started to stir as he heard Logan's pleas, and he opened his eyes. He was met by a teary-eyed Logan who looked like he was up all night.<p>

"Whoa, Logan. How late were you up last night?" Carlos tilted his head, realizing Logan was in his room. "Wait, why are you in here?"

"No time to explain, but I know what's up with Kendall. I don't think you're gonna like it, or believe me."

James sat up, combing his hair. "Spill it, Logan."

Logan sighed, biting his lip. How do you tell this to someone? "I-I, Kendall-He's anorexic, guys." Logan had to look down, and he could barely be heard.

Then, the world stood still.

"No. _No_. He's _not_. That would mean he could…" Carlos didn't finish. They knew.

James dropped the comb, which never happened. "Logan, you're lying."

Now it was time for Logan to be confused. "Why would I lie?"

"Because that is rare in guys."

"Rare, but not impossible."

James shook his head. "I still don't believe you. Do you seriously think Kendall is sick? That's a sick joke, Logan."

Logan was getting upset. "James, there is no time for this. Kendall could be dying right now."

"No, Logan, stop."

"Carlos? You believed me! Why the change? I'm telling the truth! It all adds up! The eating, the exercising, the clothes. Guys, how can you not see?"

"The same way you did before." James replied coldly. "So how is it you just noticed this _now_, when before, you were convinced nothing was wrong? Huh?"

Logan looked down. He was ashamed of himself. How could he answer _that_?

"Exactly." James spoke in the silence. Logan had tears falling down his face. "Now, if you excuse me, I am using the bathroom." James got up and walked out.

Logan looked at Carlos, who was looking at the floor. "Carlos?"

"Logan, don't."

"Don't you-"

"I don't know what to believe, Logan." Logan was cut off. "This is serious, and if you're wrong, he could hate us."

"And if I'm right?" Logan looked at him.

"Then I will apologize for doubting."

Logan got up, and walked to the door and out. He had to get back when Kendall woke up. Logan opened his bedroom door, and sighed. Kendall had just gotten up, and was not sitting on the side of his bed. He looked up at Logan.

"Hey Loge." His voice was raspy, thick with sleep. "What's up?"

Logan fought the urge to run over, hug his sick friend and cry. "Oh nothing. Just thinking."

"About..?"

Logan sighed. How was he supposed to tell _Kendall_? "Kendall-" He gasped mid sentence. He took a good look at the boy.

How did he not notice? Kendall's eyes had dark bags under them, and his skin was white as a sheet. His cheekbones were starting to stick out profusely, and he just looked like _death_. His bright green eyes had lost their sparkle, and were now just dead. He didn't want to know what the rest of Kendall looked like.

"Oh Kendall." Logan walked over and sat next to his best friend. "I know."

Kendall felt his insides freeze. "You know what?" _Stay calm, stay calm._

"You have an eating disorder, Ken. You know that." Logan shot him a "duh" look.

Kendall laughed. "Me? An eating disorder? Logan, I would never."

"Then explain why you look like death!"

Kendall was confused. _So fat makes you look like death? _"Logan, I'm fine."

Logan put his head in his hands frustrated. "No Kendall, you're not." He looked up at him, grabbing his now bony wrists. "You are way too skinny. You are _scaring_ me. Please, eat something. For me."

Kendall was enraged. Eat something? _Never_! He took his arms back, making Logan let go. "I'm fine, Logan. If anything, I could afford a few pounds." And he could, in his eyes. 123 wasn't enough for him.

"Kendall, please. I'm begging you. You need to eat."

_He's only saying that so I can look even more disgusting. They're probably laughing._ "No Logan. We're done talking about this." He started to get up and walk to the door, but Logan was faster and stopped him.

"No Kendall! You're not fine! Look at yourself!"

"Yes Logan, I know. I need to lose weight. I get it. Just stop rubbing it in." His voice broke at the end, and he shoved Logan out of the way in time to hide his tears.

Logan screeched in frustration. What was going on? Why did nobody believe him? "Fine! Be that way! I just tried to help! If you ever want help, don't come crying to me!" Logan yelled out the door, hoping Kendall could hear. He was furious. He'd always been kind to them, and now they were turning on him?

_Fine. They don't want to listen to me? Then I just won't talk to them. _Logan got ready for the long day ahead, given the concert was in a week, and his performance wasn't about to go down because of his ignorant friends. He was going to shine.

Of course, had Logan been calm and listening, he would have noticed one tiny little detail that would seal the deal. Kendall had said _"I need to lose weight"_. He thinks he's fat. Had Logan been calm, he would have heard that, and known Kendall was just trying to be strong as always. But being sensitive, that went down the toilet.

And now, the life of a band mate and brother was in jeopardy.

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall sat in the stairwell, still in his pajamas, hysterically crying. He cried from his and Logan's fight, he cried from exhaustion, he cried because he really did want to eat, but he couldn't. He cried because Logan was right. He cried because he wasn't good enough.

And then he realized.

If he wasn't good enough, then why cry over him? Kendall sniffed, and his tears stopped. He wiped his eyes and got up, shakily. He was much dizzier today for some reason, but in an instant, it went away. He walked back to 2J to face his friends and the day ahead of him. He knew it would just be as hard as the last.

But he was the leader, and he had to stay strong.

**AN: And there you have it! C5 is complete! I never thought I'd post two chapters in one day! :) Now I thought that was the most important and angsty chapter so far. It only gets better from here guys! :) I would **_**love**_** if you could tell me how I did on this chapter, review?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Concert Gone Wrong **

**AN: And now, my favorite chapter :) This is probably the angstiest chapter yet, you will deff see why :) This also took a lot of work and thinking to make it **_**just**_** right, so when you review, tell me how I did and how you like it please! I really hope you like it! :D **

**DICLAIMER: I STILL OWN NOTHING.**

Today was the day.

Concert time.

As the stage was being prepped for the performance later that night, the boys in apartment 2J were busy getting pumped for the big concert.

Well, sort of.

Logan was sitting in his room doing his homework, completely ignoring the other three boys. He decided to give them the silent treatment, only he justified it by saying they never listened to him ever anyways. He threw himself in the math problems, smashing the pencil to the paper with all the pent up rage in his system. He was certain that if anyone tried to talk to him, he would scream until his lungs begged for mercy.

And that would not be a very good idea with a concert in a few hours, so he locked the door instead.

He opened his laptop when he was finished, and deleted all of his internet history. _It's about time I did this. We talked days ago. _He nodded at his thoughts._ If he doesn't want help, fine. I won't help. He can do whatever he wants to himself. I don't care about him anymore._ Logan grinned as he saw the empty History folder. _Yup, this is so right. _

If he only knew Kendall would need him more than ever now.

x-x-x-x-x

While Logan was in his room, Carlos and James were playing video games, relaxing before the show. They sang their songs (completely off key) and danced around the room. It was still awkward between them and Logan, so they weren't loud enough to annoy the brunette.

"Hey James, do you think should we have listened to Logan about Kendall?"Carlos asked, staring at his feet.

James snorted. "Kendall isn't starving himself. He's probably just coming down with a cold, or not eating when we're there. There are a million things that he could have. Logan doesn't know what he's talking about."  
>"But he's the smart one."<p>

"Well, I'm saying he's wrong on this one."

Carlos didn't know who to believe. Logan _was_ the doctor, and he was the brain. But James could read people. He decided to not reply to James, since he was just so confused and worried. What if James was right and everything was fine? He could just be sick. It was a perfectly acceptable reason for his behavior. He didn't want to eat because it made him nauseous. Exercise also relieves stress, which he could have if he was coming down with a cold.

But what if Logan was right? What if Kendall did have an- he just couldn't think it, let alone _say_ it. It made it too much of a possibility. All he knew is that his friends were all fighting, and he wanted that to end.  
>Shrugging, he and James returned to their pre-concert fun, not thinking about anything else except the amazing concert they were going to perform tonight.<p>

x-x-x-x-x

115. He was 115.

16 away from _double digits_.

He could taste it.

And _nothing_ tasted better than thinness.

Kendall spent the time before the concert on the treadmill, and was quickly becoming more and more dizzy and nauseous. His heart was beating fast as lightning, and he the room was spinning more than ever. His stomach was screaming, it was begging for just more food, even though he'd eaten an apple earlier, since he didn't want to die.

But that's where he was headed.

He didn't see his cheekbones jetting out of face. He couldn't feel his ribs poking from underneath the thin layer of skin. He didn't notice his protruding hipbones that were much defined. His pointy shoulder blades also went unnoticed. He was a true living skeleton, yet all he could see was fat, no matter how hard he tried.

After three miles, Kendall couldn't do any more. Besides, he had a concert. He went to the nearest bathroom to rinse his face of sweat. His flabby, round face. He looked in the mirror, and glared at his reflection. Why couldn't he get rid of the grossness? He tried so hard, did everything he could, yet nothing happened to him.

Why was he such a _failure_?

Kendall punched the wall, and cried in pain, holding his hand with the other. He slid down the wall, tears falling. He was so fed up with the lack of success, and it was becoming harder to stay awake, warm, and still be the guy his friends knew.

He got up, grabbing any leftover dignity he had left after blubbering like a baby in the stupid bathroom, wiped his moistened eyes, and walked back to 2J.

He had to be an actor, and tears were not part of the script.

x-x-x-x-x

"You wanna be _famous_! You wanna be the one who's livin' the _life_!" James belted with Carlos in their room as they got ready. The concert was two hours away, and the boys had to get dressed in their clothes and get everything ready. Logan was ignoring them, and Kendall, who had finished, was nowhere to be seen.

Carlos was first to notice this. "Guys, where's Kendall?"

James stopped singing, and Logan ignored them. "Wait, did he finish getting ready?"

"Yeah, he said I'll be right back, and now he's gone."

James tilted his head, thinking. "Where was he going?"

Carlos didn't answer; instead he ran to Kendall's dressing room. He knocked on the door: No answer.

"Kendall?" He opened the door, revealing a sleeping Kendall on the couch. He was engulfed in blankets. Needless to say, Carlos was a bit confused. It was warm! Well, at least _he_ was warm.

"Kendall, you need to wake up buddy. C'mon." He shook Kendall's shoulder lightly, and increased the speed when he didn't wake. Kendall opened his eyes slowly, the lifeless green orbs defined in bloodshot eyes. His face was very pale, color absolutely drained. The poor teen looked very sick.

Carlos had finally noticed.

"You okay bud? You look a little sick…" Carlos helped his friend up, and his mouth gaped at how light his friend was. _I'm sure it's nothing…_

But he couldn't convince himself.

"Yeah, I feel awesome. Just a little nap to get the energy pumping! Now let's go blow the roof!" Kendall walked out, leaving Carlos in the dressing room alone.

"Oh my God."

x-x-x-x-x

"Kendall! Where have you been?" Gustavo's booming voice came through the hall to where the four boys were standing, getting ready to warm up. Thirty minutes until the concert.

"I was just taking a nap. I want to be completely energized when we perform, that's all." Kendall replied, but at the moment, he sounded anything but. His eyes were glazed over, and he looked like he could barely keep them open.

_How will he perform looking like that? _Carlos thought, frowning at Kendall. He was really starting to get nervous. _What was wrong? _

"Start harmonies, _now_." Gustavo had the boys sing and harmonize with each other for every dissonance and note in the song. It was obnoxious, but from experience, it did help when one got nervous.

"Alright, that was a very decent job. Now go get ready, you have ten minutes till show time." Gustavo walked to where two members of the stage crew were arguing.

The boys stood there, in an awkward silence. Logan wasn't looking at anyone; he was just glaring at the floor, avoiding his friend's eyes. He was still upset from their argument.

Carlos was staring at Kendall, then Logan, trying to put the pieces together. Was Logan right? He took one good look at Kendall, and he felt something in his mind click. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped to the floor.

_How could he have not seen it?_

Kendall was just _dead_. His eyes no longer had the fire that had always burned in them. The sparkle was gone, and left behind was a glassy, blank stare. Kendall was dead inside. Then it hit him;

Logan was right.

Carlos wanted to run over to Logan and beg for forgiveness, he had been so wrong. But Logan wasn't about to have any of that. Carlos could see the hatred in the glare Logan gave the floor. But he had to try.

"Logan, can we talk for a second?" Carlos asked in a shaky voice.

Logan sighed and walked with Carlos. He opened his mouth to speak but got nothing out before Carlos hugged him tightly.

"Logie, I am so sorry, you were right, about everything."

Logan scoffed. "What does it matter anymore? Kendall doesn't need any concern. He's perfectly fine. I mean, isn't he just glowing with health?" He laughed, but it was a dry, hollow sound. "I don't care anymore." Logan looked down, unable to even look at Carlos.

Carlos was insanely confused, but hugged Logan tighter, tears threatening to fall from the older boy's eyes. "But what if he does need our help?"

"Trust me. He's fine on his own." Logan whispered coldly. Carlos sighed, and released Logan. They shared a weak smile, and then walked back to the other two.

It was time.

x-x-x-x-x

"Give it up for Big Time Rush!" The crowd went wild as the boys ran onstage, getting into position. Then, the band started playing Boyfriend and the guys brought their A game.

Well, all but one.

Kendall was doing everything right with high energy and enthusiasm, belting every note and dancing like a pro. From the outside, he looked fine, just very thin and bony.

On the inside, Kendall was ding. Literally.

His heart was beating at the speed of light, trying to keep up with the energy needs of his body. His stomach was screaming at him, creating the most unbearable, excruciating pain he'd ever felt. His body felt numb and heavy, and he was quickly getting worse. Through the cheers of the fans you could hear mumbles of concern for the blonde star, as he noticeably took a turn for the worse.

Even his friends noticed.

They kept looking at him, worried. Everyone but James, who was still denying that anything was truly wrong.

Carlos was the one who was truly scared. Logan wouldn't admit it, but deep inside, he had never stopped caring. He was just too hurt by Kendall ignoring him and not opening up what was going on.

Hopefully, he'd get better by the end of the night.

x-x-x-x-x

The concert was over, and the guys were singing their final song, _Oh Yeah_. Kendall was getting dizzier and dizzier by the minute as he staying upright, fighting the urge to sleep.

It was time for Logan's solo, right before Kendall had to belt out as loud as he could oh yeah that lead to the final chorus.

"_I know the night is ending, and time just keeps on running out_!" Logan sang as he watched Kendall, who had stopped dancing. Black spots were taking his sight, and he was trying to blink them away so he could see. His heart was going harder than before, if that was possible. He was in deep trouble.

"_I gotta find my way to you_!" Logan finished, looking back to Kendall to cue him.

But Kendall couldn't find his voice. He just stood in place, staring at the ceiling, trying to get his vision back. He suddenly felt a sharp burst of sheer agonizing pain in his stomach, and then another in his chest. He screamed in pain, clutching his torso to keep himself together. The crowd went from cheering to screaming in horror.

"KENDALL!"

Kendall faintly heard the screams of the fans and someone scream his name before the world went black.

**AN: No! Not another cliffhanger! WOW. I hope you thought that was as intense as I do! Tell me how I did, and don't worry, he's not dead yet! Longest chapter yet! Man, I feel like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders with this! I like how this turned out. I would love a review from all of you if you could :) **


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Help Wanted?**

**AN: HOLY CRUD! LOOK AT ALL THOSE REVIEWS! YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING! Thank you SO much! Ahem, well, this is the next chapter. I'm gonna remind you again that Kendall is NOT dead yet :) I could never do that so early in the story :) James hasn't even accepted the situation yet! So I hope you like it!**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

"_KENDALL_!" Logan screamed and ran over to his best friend, now collapsed on the ground. He could faintly hear Gustavo's voice saying "Thank you everyone have a good night!" and ushering the crowd out. Carlos had joined the two boys, tears flowing freely.

"Logie, is he…dead?" Carlos whispered the last word. He couldn't bear to see Kendall like this.

Logan looked at Kendall, and brought his ear to the blonde's chest. Logan stifled a sob at how painful Kendall's ribs poked from his skin. It was not comfortable to lean on. He listened for a heartbeat: he was alive.

"Yeah, he has a heartbeat, but it's getting worse. We need an ambulance." Logan called out to anyone who would listen. By now, a small crowd of people who helped out gathered around them.

"I'm on it." Kelly pulled out her cell phone and dialed 911.

"_Hello you've reached 911 what's your emergency?"_ the operator asked.

"A teenage boy, Kendall Knight has collapsed on the stage of the Big Time Rush concert. We need an ambulance immediately please. He is very sick." Kelly now had tears going down her face too.

"_Someone will be there as soon as possible."_

"Ok, thank you very much." She said breathlessly as she rushed back to Logan and Carlos. "They're on their way; they should be here as soon as possible."

Logan nodded, tears building in his eyes now too. It was impossible not to feel the fear and tension in the air, not knowing if Kendall, the one who was always so strong, was going to live or die. It was something they had never even thought could happen so soon.

"Ken, please hold on for me buddy. Please. I didn't mean what I said before, I still care. You're my best friend, my _brother_. I need you, the band needs you. Hang on, _please_." Logan begged, sobbing hysterically. _This is all my fault_, he thought, _if I had just kept at it, maybe he wouldn't be fighting for his life right now. I can't believe he's dying…_

Carlos seemed to read Logan's mind, and engulfed him in a hug, both crying their hearts out. "He'll be okay Logie. He'll be fine." Logan shook his head, crying harder with every word that passed Carlos' lips. "He'll be okay."

"He has to."

x-x-x-x-x

James watched as Kendall collapsed onto the stage after making the most sickening blood-curdling scream he'd ever heard. His heart stopped in that moment and Kendall just fell in slow motion.

Then, everything around him went fast.

Logan screamed and ran over to him, hugging the now smaller boy's frame close to him, crying. The crowd was crying and screaming as well, as Gustavo made them all leave the stage. The music had stopped right as Kendall screamed, all attention focused on the blonde. James couldn't move, he could only watch in horror and guilt.

_Logan was right._

James fought back the urge to run over and instead was washed with grief and guilt, as if Kendall was already dead. He may as well be dead, and James would never have saw it coming. He just chose to ignore what he saw, didn't see what was so clear. He _knew_ Logan was right, but admitting it meant it was really true, thus he chose to not believe.

What a great idea _that_ turned out to be.

James ran to his room, and sat on his own couch. He felt something wet hit his hands before he realized he was crying too. He put his face in his hands and cried over everything: Kendall dying, Kendall being sick, him being mean to Logan, him not helping Kendall or Logan, the guilt, the grief, the uncertainty, and finally the _anger_.

What possessed Kendall to want to starve himself? James couldn't find any reasons why he would want to do such a terrible thing to himself. _Why Kendall? _Why_? _James pulled at his hair, frustrated.

That was when he heard the sirens.

x-x-x-x-x

"Alright, easy now. That's it, careful." The paramedics were lifting Kendall onto a gurney so he could get to the hospital. Carlos was the only one watching, as Logan was still crying into his chest, and Kelly had went to inform Gustavo. The brunette boy was very shaken up at the potential loss of one of his best friends.

"Who's coming with us to the hospital?" One of the paramedics asked.

Carlos released Logan. "Logie, you have to go."

"But I-"

"You're the one who wants to be a doctor. You'll understand what they say. You need to go. Besides, I need to stay with James. I can only imagine what's happening to him right now."

Logan wiped his eyes, and nodded. "Okay." He said in a small voice. He then got up and walked with the paramedic to the ambulance with Kendall.

Carlos waved at them, silent tears falling down his cheeks.

"Please stay alive Kendall. _Please_. We need you."

x-x-x-x-x

James was startled as he cried when he heard a knock at his door. "Come in." He said, quietly and helplessly, as he stared at the floor.

The door opened, and Carlos entered. "Hey bud. How are you holding up?" he looked at James with a sympathetic frown.

James sighed, agitated. "Well Carlos let me put it this way. My best friend just collapsed before my eyes and could very well be dying this very second, all because I made myself completely blind to the truth. I could _see_ Kendall getting sicker and sicker, and I, I, I didn't say anything!" James cried hysterically now, pulling his knees to his chest. "I wouldn't have even gotten the chance to say goodbye."

Carlos bit his lip to keep from tearing up at his friend's words. They were so true; none of them could have said goodbye, and poor Katie and Mrs. Knight would have been overcome with grief when they returned from their extra-long vacation to see that their son and brother had died.

"James, he's going to the hospital right now. He's _alive_. He _will_ be okay." Carlos sat on the couch next to James and put a comforting arm around the boy's shaking frame.

"Really? He's going to the hospital _right now_?"

"Yeah, and Logan is with him, so he's in extra good hands."

James stiffened. "I need to apologize to Logan for not listening or believing him. He was the one who saw this before us, and I just shut him down and ignored him. I almost killed Kendall." James was barely speaking in a whisper. "I almost killed Kendall, Carlos. This is my fault."

"No, don't say that. _None_ of us saw until it was too late. It's _all_ of our faults, not just yours, James. Come on, let's get to the hospital." Carlos helped the other up and they walked to the BTR mobile and raced to the hospital and their fallen friend's fate.

x-x-x-x-x

"How's he doing?" Logan quietly asked a paramedic who was sitting near Kendall's head, giving him oxygen.

"He's hanging on, son. Don't get yourself down yet. I can tell your friend is a fighter."

_You can say that again._ "So, he's not dying?" _Yet..._

"Well, we just gotta get his heart stable, and then I'd say he just needs to recover. Son, is your friend suffering from an eating disorder?"

Now Logan had to admit it out loud. _Again._ He took a shaky breath, and spoke.

"Yes."

The paramedic gave Logan a sympathetic look. "We'll do everything we can for him."

Suddenly, Kendall's heart rate went ballistic, going fast as lighting, just as it had moments before he collapsed. Logan's eyes widened and his own heart beat faster as well.

"Come on kid, don't do this to me!" The paramedic started to fumble with different equipment, and had Logan been calm he could have easily identified them.

All of a sudden, the crazy beeping stopped. It was just one continuous beep.

"Wha-" Logan started, but he already knew. _Please, don't be real. Please be a dream, please be a dream..._

PLEASE_!_

"His heart stopped…"

**AN: NOT ANOTHER CLIFFY! :P Don't hate me for this one! Ah, the title's origin at last :) Finally! JAMES ACCEPTS IT! Who else is happy? :D I nearly cried when Logan was begging Kendall to hold on and stay alive, I swear I heard my heart break /3 :'( Poor Kendall! Review with your thoughts!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: He can't be gone…**

** AN: I am so sorry about that cliffy :( But I hope this makes up for it :) And also 60 REVIEWS! I can't BELIEVE IT! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I never ever thought this could happen! Ok, enough of my note, you want to read the story. ENJOY CHAPTER 8!**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

There was a reason Logan carried a paper bag in his back pocket at all times. He was a genius, but when he was under pressure or he was beyond terrified, his brain stopped working and he couldn't do anything. Except hyperventilate. The paper bag kept him from fainting.

And right now, with his best friend in an ambulance, heart no longer beating in his chest, he needed that bag more than ever.

"Get me the defibrillator paddles _stat_!" The paramedic at Kendall's head cried out as he started CPR on him. Another paramedic ran over with the paddles and the first put them in place. "Clear." Kendall's body jumped with the shock from the paddles, but he was still not responding.

"Come on kid, don't do this." They shocked him again, and once again nothing happened. They gave him more CPR as the shock voltage dial was increased by the second paramedic. They then shocked Kendall for a third time.

Nothing.

Logan had tears falling down his face, and his body was shaking violently. He felt nauseous and light headed from everything that was going on. He held his brother's hand tightly, silently begging him to come back to Earth. Logan looked to the top of the ambulance, as if Kendall was up there. Through the shouting of the paramedics, he closed his eyes whispered to Kendall:

"Please come back Kendall, I miss you. I need my brother back. I'm sorry about everything. Please, don't be dead. _Please_ come back Kendall, _please_, I'll do anything, just, _please_!" Logan was quietly sobbing now, trying not to disturb the frustrated paramedics.

The second paramedic grabbed onto the shoulder of the first, who was still pressing Kendall's chest, trying to bring him back.

"It's too late. He's gone."

And then all you could hear was Logan's hysteric sobs.

x-x-x-x-x

"Come on stupid traffic! Move!" Carlos yelled as he and James got even more lost in the traffic to the hospital. Carlos was getting more and more anxious every second, while James just glared ahead.

"How do you think he's doing, Carlos?" James asked quietly, looking up at him with sad eyes.

Carlos sighed, and looked down, then back to the road. "I don't know, but I bet he's getting better by the moment. Logan and the paramedics will keep him alive, I can feel it. He's gonna be fine, and then we'll all be at the hospital together to help. Kendall will get better and we will go home and we won't let this happen again." Carlos smiled at the idea.  
>James looked away. "I still feel so guilty." He brought his knees to his chest. "I mean, I'm the one who basically told Logan to shut up, and if I hadn't, I can't help but think Logan would have helped him. He'd be with us back at the Palmwoods, and we wouldn't be driving to the dumb hospital!" James was yelling through his tears, his frame shaking through his heart-wrenching sobs. "I just hope he's okay."<p>

"Hey, he's got Logan. Logan won't let anything happen to him, and Kendall is a fighter. He's strong. He will make it through this."  
>James looked up to his older friend and smiled. "I never thought I'd see the day when Carlos was the sanest of us all. You doing okay?"<p>

Carlos laughed, but it was a dry sound. "I'll fall apart eventually. I'm just trying to make Kendall proud, since he'd be doing the same thing if it was one of us. Besides, I _am_ the oldest one here." Carlos looked down at James, smirking.

James rolled his eyes. "You'd never know it."

Carlos laughed, a genuine _laugh_. "Hey, you know that's not true! I am very mature."  
>"Yeah, for a <em>ten<em> year old." James gave him a look.

Carlos scoffed, and then nudged James into his passenger door, glad to have relieved the thick tension in the car. But then he realized something:

"They should be at the hospital by now, why hasn't Logan called?"

x-x-x-x-x

"No, I'm not giving up on him yet, he will come back!" The paramedic went faster.

"He's been out for almost one and a half minutes. If he comes back it'll be a miracle."

The first paramedic glared at his partner. "And _you_ don't believe in _miracles_? Get the paddles."

I don't think-"

"NOW."

He did as he was told, and the first paramedic charged them to full strength.

"_CLEAR_!"

He shocked Kendall's body for the last time, praying that it wasn't too late. Kendall's body jumped more than ever before, and Logan inhaled sharply, crossing his fingers. He couldn't be dead, not now, not after they'd tried so hard.

The group in the ambulance waited a few seconds, but nothing happened. The paramedics hung their heads in defeat.

"I'm sorry kid," The first spoke softly to Logan, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. "but he's gone."

Logan shook his head, blinking away tears. "No, he's not gone, he can't be gone, that means he's…" Logan looked at Kendall's skeletal body. He looked like death. Logan took Kendall's hand again in both of his, squeezing hard.

"…_dead_."

"C'mon, let's give them a sec." The paramedics left the two teens. Logan stared intently at Kendall, who looked like he was sleeping.

Too bad he'd never wake up.

"Kendall…" Logan began speaking. He tried finding the words to say everything he wanted, to say _goodbye_, but he just couldn't think. It was too much.

He tried again: "Kendall, I, I'm _so_ sorry. I am so sorry I didn't try to help you more. I'm a horrible best friend, and it's too late to take it back. I wish I could do everything over, everything that I could, just to keep you back here. But I'll never get that chance." He wiped his eyes as tears fell down his pale cheeks and onto Kendall's shirt. "You'll never know how much you mean to me, Ken. I love you like my twin _brother_, man. I told you _everything_. God, now I'm talking in the past tense..." Logan looked away for a second as he started sobbing hysterically once more. He looked up and took a shaky breath, then looked back down at his fallen leader. "Sorry, I just can't…" He looked away, and then found his words. "I know you aren't gone. You're just tired and scared, and your heart is taking a break. I know that if you really tried hard enough, you could come back to us. You will come back, because you have so much here waiting for you! Me, James, Carlos, Katie, your mom, the band, the fans, and even yourself, because you _will_ get better if you just came back Ken. Please, don't be gone. Don't be dead. Make this a dream, and I'll do _anything_ for you. Just please, _please_ wake up, _please_-" he was cut off by a sob escaping his lips, and he fell onto his friend, hugging his small, frail frame tightly. Logan cried for what seemed like hours, when the paramedics reappeared.

"Come on son, there's nothing you can do. He's gone to a better place, and that's all you can ask for when a friend passes. You want them to be happy, right?" The paramedic that tried to save Kendall helped Logan up.

It's just, so, so _hard_ to say g-_goodbye_." Logan sniffed. They started to walk out of the ambulance, for they had arrived at the hospital, Logan's head lowered. What would Mrs. Knight say? What about Katie? He started to cry again.

Suddenly, they heard a beep.

Then another.

And _another_.

"He's _alive_!"

**AN: I killed Kendall Knight. OHMYGOD. But of course I brought him back, he's my favorite :) I was re-reading this to see if it was just right, and when Logan is saying goodbye, it's very sad to read while listening to Evanescence's **_**Hello**_**. (start when the paramedics are arguing :D ) I swear my heart is broken beyond repair. Besides, this story isn't half over yet :) I can do sooo much more with it! I was sobbing when I wrote the part with Logan talking to Kendall's body. LOGAN :D 333 Yeah, that was unrealistic because I doubt he could have come back in real life, but darn it I wanted him to live so he did :) Review with your thoughts everyone! :D **


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: It's Never Too Late**

** AN: I loved your reviews from the last chapter :) I cried too! :( and 70 reviews? this is unreal... I'm speechless. Thank you so much! every review makes me write faster, and since I'm addicted to this story, updates shall come pretty darn fast :) I was planning on posting this tomorrow morning, but I reread the reviews and since a lot of you couldn't wait for the next update, I decided to post it tonight :) I also am impatient and I couldn't wait for you all to read it! I hope you like it!**** Well, here's chapter 9!**

**Oh, one more thing: Did anyone realize that while all that was happening with Logan and Kendall, Carlos and James had **_**no **_**idea? Well, for those of you that did, congrats!**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING. **

"He's _alive_!"

It was only two little words, but to Logan, it felt like he had _life_ in his body again.

"Wh-What? He was dead! This is impossible!" The second paramedic cried out.

"Let's go, we need to get him into the ICU stat. Go, go!" The two paramedics prepped Kendall to be moved, and took him out of the ambulance. They rushed into the doors of the ER, where they were met by doctors who expected them, and they went into the trauma unit. Logan was in a state of shock.

"Excuse me," a doctor tapped Logan's shoulder. "I'm Doctor Carter, I'll be treating Kendall. Can you tell me what happened?"

Logan nodded, eyes filling with tears once more as he remembered everything that had just happened in a short amount of time. Doctor Carter placed a comforting hand on Logan's shoulder, and led him into an empty room, out of the chaos. "It's okay; it's a lot to take in. Tell me when you feel ready."

Logan took a deep breath to steady himself, and then looked up at the doctor through teary eyes. "Well, he was performing on stage at our concert and it was the final number. He was about to do his solo after I finished mine, and I looked over at him. He looked like he was about to be sick, and he was just so dead looking. Then, he just let out this, this-shriek or pure pain and collapsed on the ground, clutching his chest and stomach. The ambulance came, and it snowballed from there."

The doctor sighed. "I am sorry that happened. Do you know-" he couldn't finish, for he was cut off by a nurse.

"Dr. Carter, you need to see this." The nurse ran in and grabbed him by the arm. Dr. Carter motioned for Logan to follow, and the three walked started to the room with Kendall. Logan looked at the nurse; her eyes were wet and bloodshot, as if she'd been crying.

_No…it can't be._

"He's alive, but it truly is a miracle once you see him. It's one of the worst I've ever seen." She said, leading them into the room. Dr. Carter gasped, and Logan felt like he was going to be sick. This was something he never wanted to see in his life.

He barely had enough time to make it to the bathroom before his stomach emptied itself in the toilet.

x-x-x-x-x

The ambulance had only been at the hospital for ten minutes before Carlos and James reached it. The boys dashed out of the car on an adrenaline rush and ran as fast as they could to the front doors, straight to the front desk.

"Hello, I'm James Diamond and this is Carlos Garcia. We're here to see our friend, Kendall Knight. He came a few minutes ago."

The receptionist smiled, but the emotion behind it made James' heart wretch; it was full of pity.

"Ah, Kendall Knight. Yes, he was just placed in the trauma center downstairs."  
>James nodded. "Thank you." He took Carlos and they went downstairs as fast as they could, getting yelled at by quite a few people as they went. They finally reached a sign that read 'Trauma Center' and they walked down the hall.<p>

Of course, they couldn't go far before they started to break down, so the two teens went into the nearest bathroom. As they walked in, they another person was in a stall, someone very familiar.

"_Logan_?"

Logan lifted his head up weakly from his crouch. His friends looked in shock as Logan turned back to vomit once more and James rubbed circles on his back to comfort him.

"Logie? What's wrong? Where's Kendall?" James asked when he was finished.

Upon hearing his name, Logan burst out in hysterics, hands flying up to his hair and his face going to his knees. Carlos looked to James in horror at the sight of Logan looking so…

…_destroyed_.

"Logan, you need to calm down buddy, we're here. Can you tell us what's wrong?" Carlos asked, silently begging with his eyes.

Logan took deep breaths and tried to calm down. He looked up at his best friends; pain etched on their faces, and burst out again.

"He, Kendall…he, he _died_, guys. Kendall died in front of me."

Logan could only watch as he saw the life in their eyes die.

"Wh-what do you m-mean? Kendall was fine, and now he's dead? H-How?" James stammered, unable to speak through his shock. His hazel eyes suddenly darkened and filled with self hate. "This is all my fault." He slid down the wall to the floor, unable to cry. Logan kneeled and hugged him close, looking to comfort his friend and also looked for comfort himself. God, he was gonna need a counselor to help him deal with all of this after…

Carlos stayed standing; the words hadn't quite hit him fully. How could Kendall die? Did he just not want to deal with everything anymore? Why were they in the hospital if he was dead?

He finally realized what was said, and the meaning hit Carlos like a train.

A sob escaped his mouth, and he collapsed to his knees. He had fallen; cracked. He could only take so much before this was bound happen.

_How did Kendall do it?_

Carlos felt two pairs of arms wrap around his trembling body, and he cried harder. Three wasn't the same. There had to be four.

They stayed like that for a while, and as they all calmed down, James cleared his throat.

"Logan, how did Kendall die?"

Logan shut his eyes tightly, seeing everything happen all over again. He fought his tears again, and looked into his friend's eyes, full of trust and fear.

"His heart just…_stopped_. It didn't respond to the paddles, and, and…he was gone for what seemed like forever. I actually had to say goodbye…" He trailed off, looking away. It was too soon.

"Logie, I'm sorry I made you go." Carlos' voice. "You shouldn't have had to do that alo-"

"He's alive now."

James came out of his trance. _How could he be alive?_ His heart _stopped_. He should be dead!

"W-what? How?" Carlos stammered, breathless.

"I don't know. It was a miracle. The paramedics had given up hope, but them his heart started again. And his chest, it was going up and down, slightly, but it was still there. He was alive, and still is. I think…oh my God, I left him in the room!" Logan jumped up from the floor, dragging his friends to their feet. "Guys, we need to go back, he needs us! Come on!"

James and Carlos got up, still in shock. He was alive? And then the two boys realized what that meant, and they ran to the room with Logan, but suddenly stopped short.

"Logan?"

Logan stopped, sighed, and turned around, annoyed. "What?"

"Why'd you puke?"

The innocent question from Carlos made Logan go white.

"Kendall."

The other two teens looked at him, confused. "How did Kendall make you puke?"

"You'll see when we get there, I promise." Logan turned and started to walk towards Kendall's room, the other two trailing behind. Logan stopped at the door, and turned to allow the others to see.

They gasped at the sight. That wasn't a human being.

That was a _skeleton_.

** AN: I know, another cliffhanger :( sorry, but I was adding to it and it just sounded awkward to me, so I cut it there. I've already almost finished chapter 10, so you won't have to wait very long :) I would love a review :) **


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: Awake**

**AN: 79 reviews? :O I love you guys! That is so amazing! I gotta admit, this isn't the best chapter, but I felt it had to come in at one point. I kinda feel like it's just droning on and on…**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

The boys just stared at the _skeleton_ in front of them.

Kendall wasn't wearing his shirt, and without it, everything was visible. You could see _every_ _single rib_ underneath the thin layer of skin, and where they all poked out were a bunch of deep purple bruises. His stomach was sickeningly concave, showing a drastic slope from his ribs to the flatness. His hipbones were also painfully defined, sticking out like swords. His eyes, his poor eyes, they had dark black/purple bags underneath from a lack of sleep for God knows how long. His cheekbones also protruded greatly, showing how much weight he had lost. He had always been so muscular and fit, staying trim while dancing and playing hockey with his friends. This change in his appearance…it was maddening.

It was enough to send a sane man to an asylum.

Carlos and James stood there, mouths open in absolute horror at the state their best friend was in. He was hooked up to countless machines trying to keep him breathing. He looked so fragile that it hurt to see him, looking as if he could just die in a millisecond.

The first to move was James. He walked over to his sleeping friend and grabbed his hand, gently, fearing he could break him with a single touch.

"Hey, Ken? Listen, I'm so sorry." James whispered to the sleeping blonde, a single tear escaping his eye, landing on the bed next to him.

Carlos went up to the other side, followed by Logan. Carlos grabbed his other hand, and Logan just stood and watched. It was silent as they watched their friend's chest go up and down, making sure he was still alive.

After a while of just standing around their friend, Dr. Carter appeared.

"Hello Logan, and you must also be friends of Kendall." That he directed to James and Carlos. He shook their hands, continuing: "I'm Doctor Carter. I've been watching Kendall's recovery."  
>The boys nodded, and Logan looked down at Kendall. "Doctor Carter, how…how bad is he?" Logan asked in a whisper.<p>

Dr. Carter sighed, and then gave the three boys a look of sympathy. "Well, for starters, it is clearly visible that he is underweight. I also hope you know the cause of that."

Logan nodded. "Yeah, he's anorexic."

Dr. Carter smiled in sympathy. "There was other damage as well. His heart, as you know, stopped beating as he was being shipped to the hospital due to his body giving up. There was too much stress on his heart, and it just had to stop."

_It had to rest…_ Logan thought, remembering the ambulance ride.

"This whole ordeal has been extremely hard on his heart, so for a little while after he's released, I want him to take it easy, to avoid what has happened from happening again."

A sob escaped Logan's lips at the memory, and Carlos placed a comforting arm around him, and the doctor continued.

"Furthermore and most importantly, I need to tell you the extent of his weight loss. It is clear this didn't just happen overnight. It took time to get him to one hundred and fifteen pounds."

The boys' jaws dropped to the floor, eyes filled with despair. _How could they not have seen this before? _They looked at Kendall, and he looked so much sicker and frail just knowing that detail of how bad things really were.

Dr. Carter continued: "It is also _painfully_ clear to me that an eating disorder is not just a person wanting control of something, there is always another factor underneath. Did you notice anything out of the ordinary before he fainted?" Dr. Carter looked at each boy intently, trying to figure something out.

But he just got a bunch of blank stares.

"N-no we didn't notice anything. It wasn't until he refused to eat dinner with us that we saw his…problem." Logan said, voice breaking on problem. He had no idea what caused this.

Only Kendall did.

"Ok, but if you remember anything, please don't hesitate to tell me. It can only help Kendall's recovery." He smiled at the three teens, and started to walk out the door.

"Wait!" Carlos called out. "How long will he be sleeping?"

Dr. Carter looked at him, sadness in his eyes. "We had to give him pain meds to make him sleep as we got him to a more stable condition." He motioned to the IV needle in his arm. "His IV is giving him essential nutrients that his body needs to start getting better."

James looked up then. "When will he wake up?"

Dr. Carter looked at Kendall's charts. "From what I see here, he should be waking up in a little bit. When he does, I need you to press the call button. Once he wakes up, I am sure he will be in a serious amount of pain, so we'll need to give him pain medication."

The boys nodded, and Dr. Carter walked out of the room, leaving the boys to their thoughts. It was silent for a while, nobody wanting to speak.

Until Logan decided to break the uncomfortable silence.

"I can't believe where we are right now. I mean, I get the whole problem and stuff. I just never thought it would be _Kendall_."

The other two sighed, nodding. They all felt incredibly guilty about everything that was happening. It shouldn't have happened. They were supposed to watch out for the youngest member of the group, keep him safe. His mom and sister had trusted them.

They entered the silence again, silent tears falling as they thought about what they had done.

x-x-x-x-x

An hour had passed since Dr. Carter had left them, and Kendall was still sleeping. Carlos and Logan had gone to the cafeteria to get food, while James stayed with Kendall to give him company. James stared at the teen in front of him, sleeping peacefully. James could only imagine how broken Kendall must've felt to resort to something so _dangerous_.

James shut his eyes as guilt washed over him again. He knew he had to apologize to Kendall and since he was alone, it was the perfect time for him.

"Hey Ken." He began; "I…I can't believe this is happening. I'm sorry that I didn't notice. I'm sorry that I prevented Logan from helping you. I'm sorry for absolutely _everything_. I seriously can't believe that you're in the hospital right now; I mean you've always been the strong one, the one who solved all our problems. This shouldn't be happening to you. You don't deserve this at all. You've done nothing wrong." James was starting to get angry. "Why did you do it Kendall? Did you _want_ to kill yourself?" He calmed down, shaking his head. "We need you, man. We need you."

As soon as he finished, Logan and Carlos re-entered the room. Logan was holding a sandwich. "Here James, you need to eat this." He held out the sandwich to James. James took it and they all looked at Kendall again, wondering how long it had been since he'd eaten something and finished it.

"When do you think he'll wake up?" Carlos asked nobody in particular. Kendall was expected to wake up in minutes.

"I don't know. I just know he'll be in quite a bit of pain." Logan sighed. He could only imagine how much pain Kendall would face between everything that had happened. He took Kendall's hand, offering comfort for when he decided to wake up.

As if on cue, Logan felt his hand being squeezed.

Logan's eyes went wide, and he gasped. "_Kendall_? Kendall, buddy, are you awake?"

Everyone turned to the blonde, and they were shocked when Kendall slowly opened his eyes. He shut them tightly immediately after, the bright hospital lights a little too bright for his liking.

Kendall suddenly screamed in pure agony when his eyes shut, scaring the three boys around him.

Logan squeezed his hand, trying to comfort Kendall, but it didn't help. Kendall realized he wasn't alone, and bit his lip, his heart rate immediately going up. He was obviously in a lot of distress.

James, who was closest to the call button, pressed it in a panic. Kendall had his hands in fists, and his whole body was tense as if he were in absolute _agony_.

Carlos tried brushing his hair back to try and calm him down. "Kendall, relax buddy. The doctor is coming; he'll give you more pain meds in a sec. Just hold on, okay?" He swore he saw Kendall nod.

At that moment, Dr. Carter entered the room, followed by the nurse from earlier. "Give him two-hundred. I want him to stay awake this time." He spoke to the nurse, who nodded and injected something into his IV. Dr. Carter turned to Kendall, who was now breathing normally and seemed to be relaxed. He opened his eyes again, and saw Dr. Carter smiling warmly at him.

"Hello Mr. Knight. I'm Doctor Carter; I'm the one who is helping you out. Do you know why you're here?" Kendall slowly shook his head no. "Do you remember collapsing on stage at your concert?" At those words, Kendall's eyes widened in recognition, and he nodded. Dr. Carter smiled. "You were rushed into an ambulance and brought here." He purposely skipped the part about his heart stopping, not wanting to scare the poor teen any more than he already was. "You were unconscious for about an hour, and you are very lucky to be alive." Dr. Carter stood up, and showed Kendall his IV. "This is giving you nutrients and fluids to help you recover. This could be called your 'food' for a while."

At the word 'food', even in his groggy state Kendall tried to move his other arm to pull the IV out, but Dr. Carter stopped him. "Kendall, that's not a good idea. You need it." He stated firmly.

Kendall sighed and sat back down, defeated. His friends stared at him in shock. Was it that bad?

Dr. Carter looked at the boys, then back to his patient. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me, alright? See you later boys." He walked out, leaving the four teens.

James, Carlos and Logan shared a look with each other in shock at what had just happened. They turned to Kendall, who was looking at them with weak, sad eyes.

"How are you feeling?" Logan asked him, eyes full of concern.

"I'm doing okay." The three other boys winced at his voice. It was dry and raspy, and not like the Kendall they knew.

Nobody could find anything to say, so they went through a silence. The three healthy boys stared at the bedridden Kendall; his breathing was slow and somewhat shaky, but it was steady. His eyes looked dull and exhausted from everything that had happened to him.

James spoke next. "Why'd you do it Ken." His tone was cold and hard, almost robotic.

"James-"

"No Logan, we should know why he did it. So spill it Kendall." James looked at Kendall with tired, angry eyes. "Tell us _why_ you felt you had to do this to us. _Why_ you had to try and leave us…" He looked away, tears threatening to fall again.

"James, give him time. He's been through so much. Dude, he just woke up in the hospital. Just give him a little bit of time to calm himself, then he should talk." Logan looked at James, talking as if Kendall wasn't there.

Meanwhile, Kendall was feeling more hated than he had in weeks. This wasn't supposed to be happening. He had no idea why they were giving him 'food' or whatever it was. He was fat, he had enough food. They were just making it worse.

And his friends arguing about him was only making it ten times as bad.

**AN: Ok, bad ending I know. In fact, I don't like this chapter. BLAH :P yay! Kendall's awake! *happy dance* Reviews, anyone? :D**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: You Owe Us an Explanation**

**AN:** **I am soooo sorry for this late update! I have had such bad writers block and I've been super busy with school and sports! I hope you don't become too mad with slower updates as school picks up again, but I can't help it :( I'm really sorry everyone! So now, without further ado, here's chapter 11 :)**

Carlos and James both stared intently at Kendall as he slept in the hospital bed. Logan slept in a chair next to them as well leaving the other two to entertain themselves.  
>"Do you think he knew what he was doing?" Carlos asked James, now staring at his feet.<br>James sighed. "He must've, if he didn't, why wouldn't he have kept it a secret?"  
>Carlos pondered that for a moment, and then spoke again. "Why do you think he did it?"<br>James closed his eyes. "I have no idea, but he better have a pretty good reason for ending up here." His voice was hard again.  
>Carlos recognized that tone, and looked up at the tall brunette. His hair was disheveled, and his eyes had bags under them from worry and lack of sleep. Carlos then looked in James' eyes: he saw the usual hazel irises, worry as all three boys had, but there was something else too as he stared at Kendall:<br>Hatred.  
>Seeing this, the older boy reached and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. James looked up and smiled weakly. It was forced, but still there.<br>James looked back down at Kendall, and the hate in his eyes returned. "The thing is Carlos,  
>I don't know if I can forgive him."<p>

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall woke up to someone talking. He opened his eyes enough to see who was talking, and saw James and Carlos. They hadn't noticed he was awake yet, so he closed his eyes and listened. He knew they were talking about him.  
>"Why do you think he did it?" Carlos' voice.<br>"I don't know, but he better have a pretty good reason for ending up here." James obviously was pretty upset about the whole ordeal, and Kendall could see why. Who wouldn't be?  
>"The thing is Carlos, I don't know if I can forgive him."<br>Kendall felt guilt wash through him. James wouldn't have had to forgive him if none of this had happened. He wasn't supposed to have been found out. He should be back at the Palmwoods getting ready for the next performance, not sitting in a hospital bed while fluids and other stuff were being forced into him. He didn't need the hospital's pity.  
>"James that's crazy. You really can't control when you go to the hospital." Carlos, always trying to cheer everyone up.<br>"That's the thing Carlos. He _could_ control this. He chose to do this to himself. I just wish I knew _why_ he did it. I'm so _frustrated_; I mean we're in the _hospital_ for crying out loud." James pulled at his hair, showing his frustration.

Carlos sighed, for he was feeling the same thing. They never expected Kendall to be in the stupid hospital bed, it was always Carlos. He may have been the oldest, but he was the most wacky and wild.

By now, Logan had also woken up with James and Carlos talking. He sat up, groaning when he felt the pain from his brutally stiff neck. Hospital chair naps really aren't fun.

"Hey guys." Logan said, voice raspy from worry, sleep, and (although he wouldn't admit it) a nightmare about Kendall's death that was extremely graphic. He shuddered at the memory, but luckily nobody noticed.

"Hey Logan, how was your sleep?" Carlos asked, trying to be the strong one. He _was_ the oldest; he felt it was his job. Of course, had it been a different situation, it would have been _Kendall_, but…he couldn't bring himself to remember anything about the past few days.

"Fine. Has Kendall woken up yet?" Logan got up and slowly walked over to a "sleeping" Kendall.

As if on cue, the tall blonde opened his eyes and yawned, faking that he just woke up. "Hey, guys." He began, ashamed and sheepish. _What else was there to say?_

"Hi Kendall." James all but spat his name. Kendall winced.

"Uh, how's it going?" Kendall tried to avoid talking about him, but it failed miserably.

"Cut the crap Kendall. Why did you feel the absolute need to starve yourself? Logan, no interruptions!" James glared at Logan, whose mouth was open to say something but then closed as he felt the eyes bore into his face.

"I, uh…" Kendall thought for a moment. Tell the truth, or make up a story? He went with the story. "I just wanted to lose a couple pounds. I started fine, but I wasn't getting the best results, so I turned to drastic measures. I'm sorry, you guys. For _everything_." He admitted, looking down. At least the last part wasn't a lie, but the rest…he'd get little to no sleep tonight thanks to the inevitable guilt trip.

His story worked though, and James wasn't glaring at him anymore. He was actually looking sorry.

"Ken, you were never fat, you've always been very athletic and stuff, staying in shape like the rest of us. Why did you want to lose weight?" Carlos asked, concerned.

_Cause I'm disgusting. _"Eh, Hollywood pressure finally got to me I guess." He laughed, putting on his show. "But I should be totally fine now." _The ultimate lie._ Kendall's stomach clenched at the thought of lying _so_ badly like that, but none of his friends questioned his story, it was flawless.

"Oh, well you should have told us. We're here for you, Ken, no matter what." Carlos smiled at him, and hugged him. He stifled a wince when he felt Kendall's backbone and ribs, but hugged him tighter, trying to make sure he was still there.

Yeah, right. "I know. I just felt all foolish cause I'm supposed to be the strong one." He laughed again, trying to get his friends off his back.

It worked, and soon the other three were joining in his laugh, feeling relieved.

But suddenly, Logan stopped, remembering something.

"Logan, what's wrong?" James asked, still laughing.

"We never told Mrs. Knight about this whole thing."

**AN: Ugh, I'm still feeling bad about my lack of updates…I'll try to do them as quick as I can. If anyone has any ideas at all for this story that they would like to share, feel free to PM me or write them in a review! I would love to hear your ideas. So reviews, anyone? :D **


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: Tell Me Everything**

** AN: Woo! I'm back on my game! Thank you so much for every one of these 91 reviews! :D Enjoy chapter 12!**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

Logan pulled out his phone. "I'm calling her now."

Kendall reached out in a panic. "No Logan, she doesn't need to know."  
>"Kendall she's your mom. Of course she does." Logan dialed the number and waited for her to pick up.<p>

"_Hi Logan! Is everything okay?"_

Logan stiffened. She sounded happy, and Logan was about to make her mood come crashing down. He gulped.

"Uh, well you see, Kendall…He's kinda in the hospital." No response. "He collapsed, cause he uh, wasn't eating."

Mrs. Knight immediately responded with _"Is he okay now? We're leaving as soon as we can. Tell him I'm coming."_ Logan could hear the tears in her voice even as she tried to hide them. Logan heard her call to Katie, telling her to pack up. _"Please keep him safe, Logan. I swear I'm never visiting family for_ this _long ever again."_ She spoke the last part to herself. They said goodbye and he hung up.

"Well, they're coming home now Ken. Hopefully you'll be better by then."

Kendall's eyes were wide in fear. _What would his mom say about this?_ She'd be so disappointed and worried. Kendall hated when people were worried about him, so this was killing him. He just bottled everything up. It was a habit. He was the strong one, people came to him, not the other way around. That was life.

Of course, subconsciously he would have liked a shoulder to cry on at times.

"She didn't have to come home now. She could've stayed in Minnesota longer to visit all her old friends and family. She packed enough for a year." He added with a smile.

Logan sighed, smiling. That sounded _exactl_y like Mrs. Knight.

"Mr. Knight?" Dr. Carter walked in the room. "Ah, you're awake. I have some news for you."

The boys stared at him, questioningly. What could possibly be happening?

"You are free to go home on Wednesday." That was days away. It didn't mean anything special to Kendall right then. He was still being force fed stuff through a needle. He shuddered, that was a disturbing thought.

"How have you been feeling?"

Kendall responded with a smile. "I feel better than I have in weeks."

Dr. Carter smiled warmly, but it soon fell. "Well, I suppose that is because your body is finally getting adequate nutrition. Now, we must discuss recovery. Eating disorders are very difficult, Mr. Knight. We wish to start you on therapy as you start your recovery here. We have a session scheduled for later today if that is alright."

Kendall gulped. Could therapists read through a lie? "No problem at all."

Dr. Carter smiled again. "Good. Well, I will see you boys later. Have a good day everyone." He turned and walked out of the room.

Logan shared a look with Carlos. Why did Kendall need therapy? He had his best friends right there with him the whole way! They were practically family!

Unless the doctor knew more than they did about his situation…

"Kendall," Logan began, "did you tell the doctor about why you stopped eating?"

Kendall shook his head. "No, he never asked. Why?"

"No reason." Logan smiled, but it was the most forced smile he'd ever made in his life.

They entered another silence, but it was broken by Carlos' stomach growling. They hadn't eaten in a very long time.

"hey Ken, mind if we get something to eat? Not all of us get food twenty four-seven!" James joked, getting a laugh from his blonde friend.

"Nah, go 'head. I'll be here waiting." Kendall smiled at his three best friends as they walked out of the white hospital room, but as soon as the door closes that smile falls. He looks around the room, thinking about everything. He couldn't help but feel confused at what they told him. He was never fat? What did they see, because about four weeks ago he saw the opposite. He shrugged it off, not caring anymore. He just wanted out of the stupid hospital.

x-x-x-x-x

"How much do you wanna bet that this food is recycled too?"

"_CARLOS_! That is _definitely_ something I wanna think about as I'm _eating_ the food!" Logan cried out, dropping his fork.

"Well, it's true!" Carlos countered.

"Keep your opinions to yourself until after I finish eating please. Oh look, I am no longer hungry. _Thanks a lot."_

James chuckled. "Logan, you really need to take a load off."

Logan rolled his eyes. "No, I'm seeing the logic of everything. You guys just refuse to do the same."

Carlos poked him with a fork. "Logic Logie. Ha." James erupted into laughter at Carlos' joke, while Logan groaned.

"Yes, ruin lunch even more than you have guys." Logan pretended to be annoyed, when really he was happy that the tension was being relieved.

"Oh come on Logie, stop being all Loganish."

"Tell me Carlos, what is Loganish?"

"Just you being you." Carlos replied innocently with a grin.

Logan and James laughed, followed by Carlos. James looked at the time. 12:27.

"Let's go back, Kendall's probably getting lonely." Logan said as he stood up, feeling the tension return. _It was nice while it lasted…_

"Yup. Let's go."

x-x-x-x-x

The boys went back, and the four of them talked for a while. Hours later, there was a knock on the door.

"Hello boys." A woman entered their room. "I'm Dr. Lorraine Fisher. I'm a psychologist. I'm here to do your first round of therapy, Mr. Knight." She spoke to Kendall with a smile. Kendall looked at her blankly as his three friends walked out. Once she heard the door close, she sat in the chair next to Kendall. "So, how have you been doing, Kendall?"

Kendall shrugged. He honestly didn't know. "I've been okay. I don't like the hospital, though."

"Oh, nobody does." She replied with a chuckle. Dr. Fisher looked at his IV needle, knowing what his problem was. "But you do seem to have some pretty great friends."

"Yeah, they are pretty great. Of course, some days they over care." He said, rolling his eyes, vaguely remembering that day.

Dr. Fisher looked at him. "Would you like to explain? You can say no, and we will move right along."

Kendall inhaled deeply, a shaky breath. If he told, she would know everything as would his friends. But if he didn't he might never get better.

"If I do tell, will you promise to not tell my friends?"

"Don't worry, I wouldn't dare. It's against my morals and the hospital rules." She smiled, kindly urging him to go on.

Kendall took another deep breath, and looked down, playing with his hands. "Well, they said I was eating way too much junk food and it was effecting my performance, so they took away some of the bad food from me as they ate it themselves. I know they were only trying to help, but it just didn't feel good to be told that. And besides, the only 'junk' I'd had was pizza for lunch the day before and a soda from the vending machine. They just happened to see me only as I ate those things, and they assumed it was worse than it was. The day after they confronted me, I heard Logan say he didn't want me eating pancakes because it was 'junk food'." Kendall used the air quotes and looked down, ashamed. He sounded like a total wimp.

But Dr. Fisher only smiled sympathetically. "That is never a good thing to hear, from anyone, especially a friend." Kendall could only nod. "So, to try and change what they thought, you ate less and less?"

"Yeah."

"Did you feel any better?"

"At first I did, I could feel it coming off, but at the same time no."

"Can you tell me why?"

"Um…" Kendall wasn't sure he wanted to tell her everything just then. He was still fuzzy to that part as well. "I'm not sure."

Dr. Fisher smiled at him as she got up. "You did very well. I thought you were going to completely close up and make me beg for you to speak, but to be honest, you have been the easiest patient I've had for a long time." She shook Kendall's hand. "I'll come back in a day or so, and you can tell me more if you would like, or if that is too uncomfortable, we can talk about whatever you want." He felt like she was talking to a ten year old, not a sixteen year old.

'Yeah, sure."

"Okay then, see you soon." She walked out and left Kendall to his thoughts. With all that said, he felt a sort of relief wash over him. It was a welcome feeling, and he smiled. He liked Dr. Fisher, she wasn't the boring therapist that just kept asking "and how does that make you _feel_?", she actually listened and talked to him.

What Kendal didn't know was that he'd need a lot more than just a kind therapist to get over everything he had gone through.

**AN: Reviews anyone? :)  
><strong>


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: Mother Knows Best**

**AN: Thanks for the awesome reviews! Anyway, I have field hockey **_**all**_** next week so updating will be hard but I'll do what I can! :) Here's chapter 13 for you! **

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

The four boys were fast asleep in the hospital room when they were jolted awake by the sound of a door being slammed open. Kendall's eyes opened wide to me met with a pair of arms wrapping around his frame.

"Oh Kendall! Are you alright? What happened?" His mother bombarded him with questions, hugging him tightly.

"I'm fine mom. I'm doing really well now." Kendall could say honestly. His session with Dr. Fisher had actually helped. And his friends were acting more like their old selves.

"I was so worried when Logan told me! Speaking of which, Logan, where are you?" She turned to see Logan half awake, and she hugged him tight. "Thank you for keeping him ok while I was gone. This could have ended _so_ much worse." She whispered so only he could hear.

Logan smiled sheepishly. "Mrs. Knight, we're in the hospital. I didn't help at all."

"Yes, but he's alive, right?" She smiled warmly at him, and turned to see her boys and Katie, who was hugging Kendall with tears in her eyes.

"Don't do this again, okay big brother? I look up to you." She said, firmly.

Kendall laughed, and hugged his little sister. "Don't worry yourself Katie. You'll be fine."

"By the way, good morning everyone." Mrs. Knight said to the boys, smiling at them. They smiled back, despite still being sleepy.

"When is your session today, Kendall?" Logan asked, his inner doctor coming out.

"Uh, I don't know. I guess I'll find out later."

Logan nodded and looked down. Then his stomach growled, and he smiled apologetically.

"Why don't you three take Katie to get some breakfast?" She asked them, handing them some money. She wanted to talk to her son alone for a while. The boys nodded and the four went down to the cafeteria. Mrs. Knight looked at her son, who was still so thin he was almost unrecognizable.

"Sweetie, why?" She softly asked him, holding his hands.

Kendall shook his head. "It's nothing mom."

His mother sighed, looking at him. She struggled to keep her tears from falling at the sight of her broken boy. He was perfectly fine before she left. Ever since she'd gotten Logan's call, she'd done nothing but worry about him. It was killing her that her son was feeling so vulnerable and she wasn't there to help him. She ignored that for the time being, for she was there now, and from the looks of it, he was getting better.

"Well, how was it here while I was gone?" She asked, trying to get him talking to her.

He winced at the memories: Trying. Failure. Pointless. "It was…fine. We worked really hard so we couldn't really get in any trouble. Plus, Gustavo would have murdered us himself if we broke anything before the concert.

_The concert._ She'd almost forgotten. "How was the concert? I heard you were all fantastic." She grinned at Kendall.

Kendall smiled back, but only he knew it was forced. "Well, I was doing fine, but then I…collapsed…because I finally cracked under the pressure." He shrugged. "Nothing too serious."

His mother looked at him with wide eyes. Logan hadn't told her very much. She decided to ask him later, when Kendall was sleeping.

At that moment, they heard laughs from the four who went t get breakfast. Logan, Carlos, James and Katie entered and sat around Kendall's bed.

"Did you all eat?"

She got a chorus of "Yes Mama K" from the boys and Katie. Mrs. Knight chuckled when she realized Katie had said that too.

"Hello Kendall." A nurse walked into his room to check his vitals. "How are you this morning?"

"I'm okay." He sighed. He was getting pain from his torso as usual again.

"Are you in pain at all?" The nurse read his mind.

"Yeah, a little." He moved and winced. Man, it was getting pretty bad, really fast.

The nurse injected something into his IV and gave him a smile. "You should feel better now, but you're gonna fall asleep again, okay?"

Kendall nodded, and the nurse left as he shut his eyes. The others watched in silence as he fell asleep again.

Mrs. Knight took this as a great opportunity to talk to Logan about what had happened.

"Logan, would you mind if I talked to you for a sec?" She asked him nonchalantly.

x-x-x-x-x

She led them to what seemed to be a waiting room. She noted that he had gotten much paler as they walked from one room to the other.

"I think you know why I asked you to come."

He nodded. "About what happened, yeah."

She smiled, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, edging him to speak. He took a shaky breath, looked up at her, and began.

"I don't know exactly when it started, but he hid it really well. I'm not even sure _why_ he started doing this to himself either. We all noticed one day at dinner, when he was just cutting his food. He kept talking to us and keeping attention away from himself. You should have seen how small the pieces were, they made bite sized look huge. And when we made him eat a piece of chicken, he looked like he was going to puke, he was that distressed. I'll never forget how scared he looked as he sat there, like he was being judged. I looked up what all his symptoms led too, and it was anorexia. I told James and Carlos but they didn't believe me. So I asked him, and he just shut down on me and walked away. I gave up on him, 'cause I figured, if he was determined enough, he could stop the self destruction.

Then there was the concert. He ran off after getting changed and took a nap, but wouldn't wake up easily. It took a lot of effort for us to wake him. We went on, and he performed without a problem." Mrs. Knight looked at Logan in concern, for he'd stopped looking at her; now his gaze was towards his lap. "Until our final song. I finished my solo, then I turned to Kendall. You should have seen him, er, you shouldn't have, he looked like the living death. The next thing we hear is this blood-curdling shriek of pain, and Kendall collapses onto the ground, clutching his stomach and chest. His face was completely twisted in this, this…_agony_. I ran over and then Kelly called 911. They came and I went in the ambulance with Kendall." He had to stop, the memories of his friend lying so helplessly on the gurney were coming back to him, and they were making him feel even more shaken up. He took another shaky breath, and continued on. "He was fine for a while, then his heart started to go crazy, and the next thing we know it's no longer beating."

Mrs. Knight gasped. Her son had died, and she wasn't there. A few tears made their way down her face, but she had to stay strong, so Logan could finish his story.

"The paramedics kept trying everything, but he wouldn't come back. He was gone for what seemed like ever. I even said goodbye to him because they had given up hope. But as we were walking away, his heart came back to life, it was a miracle. They brought him in, and you know the rest." Logan looked back up at her, his eyes saying he had finished. Mrs. Knight's tears came stronger, and it took everything she had to keep herself together.

But eventually, even the strongest people break, and Mrs. Knight broke down in a river of tears, crying out Kendall's name. _She could have lost him. Her only son. Her first child._ The anguish hit her like a train. Logan, even though he was scared out of his mind to see her like this, tried to comfort the woman he considered a mother to him as she cried her heart out. Eventually, the tears slowed and they walked back to Kendall's room in silence, both two scared of what was going to happen to speak.

They entered the room to see the other two boys passed out on chairs and Katie on Kendall's bed with him. She had noticed him shivering, and had crawled on the bed with him to give him a little extra warmth. Logan and Mrs. Knight could see faint water marks from her eyes. Mrs. Knight walked over with a faint smile on her face and wiped away her tears. She brought over a chair and sat next to her two kids, watching them with her eyes forming a few more tears.

Logan watched the touching scene with a hurting heart. He couldn't help but feel anger at Kendall, making his mom worry about him like that. He saw his mom break down in front of him over the same guy who had basically tried to kill himself. Did he realize he had people who cared about him when he started? He looked at Kendall; Logan cocked his head in confusion, for a slight look of fear was seen on his face.

_Kendall, you need to get better. Do you not see now many people here love you? _Logan closed his eyed and drifted off into a relaxing sleep.

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall was in the dark, falling.

He could see nothing.

But he could hear everything.

_"Gross."_

_ "Disgusting."_

_ "Worthless."_

_ "Why the heck would we ever hang out with someone as pathetic as you?" _Logan's voice._ "You aren't worth our time." _He and his other two friends laughed, and Kendall felt himself falling faster until he landed on the ground. He was in a glass case, and he saw his laughing friends reappear in there with him. They laughed in his face as water started flowing in. It was going incredibly fast, and from his position on the floor, it would cover him quickly unless he got up.

Only he couldn't move, he was stuck. When he tried on his own, a searing pain shot through his body. He needed help.

"Guys, help me up, please." He asked his friends, reaching out to them. They laughed at him, mocking him.

"Why would we _ever_ help you? We don't need you." James sneered at him.

"You got that right. You're weak." Carlos agreed as Kendall watched them in horror. Only Logan remained silent.

"Logan, please help me, please!" Kendall begged, panicking. He was almost submerged in water.

Logan was looking down, but then looked back at him with a glare.

"You're dead to me."

And with that, and a cut off scream from Kendall, he was under, unable to get free.

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall opened his eyes with a sharp breath. He started gasping for breath, taking in his surroundings. He saw the hospital room, his friends, his family. He felt something across his middle. He looked down and smiled as he saw his little sister sprawled out next to him.

_ It was only a dream. _He sighed in relief, looking at the ceiling. He shuddered at the dream, and looking at the peaceful expressions of his friends and family, he frowned. These dreams never ceased to come, even if they all acted worried. It was just the voice in the back of his head making itself known when he was alone in his dreams. Of course, he'd never tell anyone;

It was his own personal reality check.

He sighed again, and closed his eyes to go back to sleep, reentering the world of his dreams.

**AN: Poor Logan and Mama K! :( But you gotta love the sibling fluff :D Reviews, anyone? :D**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: Home at Last**

** AN: Sorry for not updating sooner :( I just had to get back into the swing of things back in school :) I hope to update every weekend or so, I hope that's ok… This chapter is a week later; Kendall has been discharged and has just gotten home. It's kinda a filler chapter, so bear with me of it gets boring! I also made it longer than usual to make it up to all of you who have been waiting forever! **

**Oh, and one more thing:**

**OHMYGOSH WE'RE PAST 100 REVIEWS! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH THIS MEANS THE WORLD TO ME! I NEVER ONCE THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN BEFORE 15 CHAPTERS! AAAHHHHH! :D :D :D :D **

**!**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

The past week had been a blur.

Of course, it was a known fact everyone had been in a hospital room during that time, but the details were blurred.

Kendall sat on the orange couch, remembering his last day in the hospital:

x-x-x-x-x

_ "Alright, Kendall. One more question. You know what I'm about to ask." Dr. Fisher looked up at him, reading his emotions._

_ Kendall nodded._

_ "What made you want to stop eating? Please don't lie." Yes, he had been caught in many lies throughout his sessions, but Kendall didn't know she knew._

_ Until now._

_ He froze, eyes widening enough for her to see his shock. He fiddled with his fingers, nervous. He cleared his throat._

_ "I wanted to be worthy."_

_ Dr. Fisher's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Worthy of what?"_

_ "Them." _

_ Then she understood. Them. His friends. She knew they meant everything to them. She knew now about how his father died when he was six, and how he had felt the need to protect his friends from leaving him too. It was his biggest fear._

_ "Why do you feel you needed to be worthy?" _

_ Kendall looked down, ashamed. Why didn't he feel like that? There more reasons to feel it than not. And that hurt the fragile blonde. _

_ "Because they can leave me. They don't need me to be a leader or whatever people say I am. They just don't know them like I do. They could live without me. I have to prove myself worthy to still be their friend, I owe them that much."_

_ Dr. Fisher was awestruck at how open he finally became. She looked at him, and saw pain etched in his dull green eyes. She thought of the correct words to say to him._

_ "Kendall, your friends are still your friends because they love you for who you are. You shouldn't need to prove yourself to them over and over. They accept you already. You've been friends for years, I don't think they'll leave you in the future. You're all bonded to tightly for that." She said with a smile, hoping the blonde believed her. She looked at the clock; their session was over. _

_ "Kendall, I'm afraid this is goodbye. Good luck at home, I know you will get one-hundred percent better." She shook his hand. "Take care."  
>Kendall nodded and smiled weakly as he turned and walked out of the room.<em>

_ Once the door clicked shut, Dr. Fisher's smile fell. Her heart ached for him._

_ Hopefully he'd be okay._

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall walked into his room, dragging his feet. James and Carlos were playing video games while Logan was doing homework he'd missed from the hospital visit. Kendall winced at the guilt as he closed the door. He went to his bed and collapsed. His body felt just _dead._

He laid there thinking about everything. The therapist, the truths, the lies, his family, his friends, their worry,

_his friends… _

He wasn't blind. He could see the worried stares they gave him every time they looked at him. He was confused to the reason why, especially because there was no reason to be worried. He had it all under control. He could eat again whenever he wanted; he controlled it, not the other way around. He wasn't like the others.

He could beat it on his own if he tried.

Only problem was, he didn't want to.

x-x-x-x-x

Logan stared at the pages of his medical textbook, trying to learn the symptoms of whatever disease he was reading about. If asked what he was reading, he would respond "I don't know", for his thoughts were elsewhere from the small print. He looked over to his and Kendall's shared room, hearing the door click closed. He sighed, putting his face in his hands on the table. _How did everything get this messed up? _

He couldn't help but feel especially guilty. He was supposed to be the doctor! Had he been paying attention, he could have noticed his friend's weird behavior around food and his lack of sleep that was now almost normal again; the dark bags were gone.

He switched his gaze to his other two friends, who were now wrestling over a controller. Logan chuckled, some things never change. He got up, heading over to break it up.

"Guys." No response. "Guys…" Still nothing. He sighed, then got an idea. "Alright, more mac and cheese for me…" Their heads popped up as they ceased their fighting and Logan laughed. "You guys are so predictable."

Carlos spoke first. "Well, if James didn't cheat all the time we wouldn't have this problem now would we?" He glared at James, who scoffed.

"I did not cheat! I'm just a better player at Black Ops than you!" He returned the glare as Logan sighed and rolled his eyes at the argument.

"Ok Black Ops is not important right now guys."

"Is too!"

"No Carlos, it's not."

"Yes it is!"

"Not."

"Is!"

"Not!"

"IS!"

"Ok we are not doing this." Logan face-palmed, agitated. "Just try to keep your arguments verbal, okay?"

The other two responded with a chorus of "Yes Logan", and they went back to their game. Logan back to his chair and went back to his work.

As the apartment went back to normal again, Carlos remembered something.

"So…there's no mac and cheese then?"

x-x-x-x-x

Mrs. Knight stood at the stove, cooking dinner for the first time at the apartment since she left for Minnesota. She couldn't help but feel guilty that she wasn't there when her only son and first child needed her.

She drained the pasta and added the sauce to it, and then set it on the table, arms shaking. It was amazing how she didn't drop the bowl they were trembling so much. She knew she had to be strong for her ten year old daughter and sixteen year old boys, but she couldn't help it. She was absolutely terrified for her son's life.

For now, all she could do was pray he'd get better soon.

"Boys! Katie! Dinner!" She called to them, smiling when she heard running feet upstairs, followed by arguing of whom got to go down the swirly slide first.

"Carlos stop shoving!" James' voice. "We're all hungry!"

"I get it first!"

"Carlos, wait for everyone else." Logan, always the voice of reason.

Mrs. Knight smiled as she watched the three boys sit down and argue about teenage things. Her smile faded a small bit as she watched the youngest slowly walk over and sit at the table. He looked almost…nervous.

"Help yourselves everyone." Katie had gotten to the table by then as well, and it was every man for himself as everyone helped themselves to food. The only person who didn't try to get any food was Kendall. He hung back and watched as his three friends stuffed their faces and Katie watched in confusion and disgust at the dumb boys.

Kendall sat back, watching his friends eat the food that honestly did look really good.

_Maybe…_

He knew he had to get better. He knew he could. He could see the pained stares from his mother, sister and brothers. He saw what he was doing to them. It wouldn't hurt him to eat again, right? If it made them feel better?

He looked at the food in front of him, then his empty plate, and then the food again. His need to make them stop worrying over powered all else and he reached for the spoon, then gave himself a small serving.

He was not oblivious to the eyes turning to him or the sudden silence.

He looked at his plate again, this time with a small bit of food on it. He picked up his fork and picked up a piece of pasta, and slowly brought it to his mouth and ate it. It felt…different. He finally felt strong again.

He loved it.

x-x-x-x-x

James watched Kendall eat for the first time in weeks in awe and shock. _Was this really happening? _He shared a look with Logan, whose mouth was full of food, eyes wide as could possibly be. He looked at Carlos next, and was met with a gaping mouth, his jaw completely fallen.

Kendall was eating again.

Life was finally getting better.

Logan watched Kendall again, who was still eating at a slow pace, but was more confident about it, as if he could sense their pride. Kendall seemed to sense their stares and stopped for a moment, looking up. There was a moment of awkwardness as they all stared at him, and he stared back. Logan was the first to notice, and brought up conversation.

"Any games on tonight?"

James chuckled, knowing what he was doing. He turned to look at Logan. "I think there's one tomorrow, not tonight."

Logan nodded. "Well, then we are watching it."

Carlos spoke next. "Hey James, when we're done, do you wanna play Black Ops? You still owe me a rematch." He smirked, knowing he'd win this time around.

James laughed, sensing Kendall return to his eating. "Yeah bud, I'll play ya. But prepare to lose again, Carlitos." He added with a mischievous smile.

James smiled as Carlos rolled his eyes and went back to his food. The tall boy smiled contentedly. Life was finally returning back to normal.

For now.

x-x-x-x-x

Once dinner finished, Kendall went up to his and Logan's shared room to get ready for bed, given he had been up longer than he had been for a week, and work started up again the next day.

James and Carlos were in the living room, playing Black Ops, where Carlos was losing quite miserably. Logan was rereading his textbook now that he could concentrate. He laughed every once in a while when he heard Carlos swear at the game and James for cheating.

At one point, he looked up and saw that they had begun wrestling once more over the same controller (James') for cheating.

And once again Logan had to step in.

"GUYS NOT _AGAIN_." He yelled, annoyed. He picked Carlos up first, then James. "What is you guys' _PROBLEM_?" He was enraged at everything going on. All the pent up feelings he'd had for the past week was coming up like vomit.

And he couldn't stop.

"Jeez Logan, what got you all pissy?" James semi-joked.

Logan put his fingers through his hair, stressing out over the situation. "What hasn't? I mean, we just came back from the freaking hospital, James! How can you act like everything is fine now, when clearly it isn't, or Kendall would be out here too!" Logan finished in a whisper-yell, obviously getting out all his stress and frustrations out on his friends. He'd feel guilty later; now, he wanted it all out of his system.

James knew he was out for a fight.

"How can you even _say_ that? You _know_ for a _fact _I'm scared too! I was there! I saw him in the hospital bed! I saw how dead he looked! I saw _everything_! Yet you have the nerve to tell me I am _clueless_?" He screamed at his shorter friend, rage building in his abdomen. He wasn't about to stop until he got it all out.

Logan gasped, narrowing his eyes. "Well at least I tried to help him! I researched what he had! You did nothing!"

"It was obvious that he wasn't eating! _Everyone_ knows what you have when you don't eat for days, how could you _not_ know! _You're supposed to be the doctor_! God forbid you know _anything_!"

Logan was taken aback at James' comment. It was the truth, he should've noticed. Yeah, he knew what it was.

He just didn't want to believe it until he saw it written in black and white.

Logan had one final point to make:

"At least I _tried_. You just _sat there_ and _let_ him die. He wouldn't have _had_ to go to the hospital if it weren't for _you_."

James felt the weight of everything come crashing down on his shoulders, and his knees gave out a little bit. _Logan had gone way too far. _James felt the rage leave, guilt and pain taking its place. Logan knew that was a touchy subject that wasn't to be discussed.

Carlos knew it too.

"Ok Logan, that's enough."

"Oh and here we go again with Carlos trying to be all mature." Logan spat it out.

"LOGAN! Do you not SEE what is going on here? This is tearing us apart! He's eating again! Life should be getting better! Stop being rude!" Carlos screamed at the brunette.

Logan laughed, amazed at the comment. "You think everything is fine now? Newsflash: it's still hard! Yeah he ate, but how do we know he'll do it again? Nothing is getting better yet!" Logan yelled.

"I can't deal with this anymore" James put his face in his hands, sighing in frustration.

Logan noticed this, and gave James a man-hug, trying to comfort his taller friend. Carlos joined in. "It's tearing us apart, guys. We can't let that happen, okay? He needs us." Logan whispered, guilt settling in."I'm sorry."

"Same here."

"Ditto."

"Let's forget this happened, okay?"

James and Carlos nodded. "Definitely."

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall heard everything.

He was destroying them.

He was right about everything.

They'd be better off.

He thought they'd get better with him eating. He thought they'd feel better if he ate, but it made them worse. _What was he supposed to do now?_

Kendall sighed, trembling. Guilt was eating him alive. He thought about how happy they'd been when he'd eaten, how sad they were before when he wasn't. He couldn't tear them apart. They needed each other, he could let them go.

He would get better.

If not for him, for them.

**AN: YAY! HE ATE AGAIN! But come on, it's only chapter 14! I have plans for this story :D Anyway, thanks for being so patient with me! If you have any ideas, please tell me. I would love to hear them! Reviews, anyone? :D**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15: Pressure **

**AN: Hey guys! Long time no see! I am beyond busy with school and sports and BLAH. I am in the mood for writing so this chapter happened :) Hope you all like it! Oh and thank each and every one of you for these 114 reviews! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! :D**

**One more VIP thing: This chapter introduces something that I feel had to enter. Please don't hate me for it; I just feel like it fit what the person was feeling. It's most likely a onetime thing, given I felt squirmy as I wrote it for some reason… But I hope you enjoy this chapter either way :DDD 3**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

He was falling.

Slowly, but surely falling back from the sky.

He had no parachute.

He was falling.

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall walked to the bathroom the morning after he miraculously ate a small plate of pasta, and heard his friends rip each other apart. He looked into the mirror, taking in his appearance for the first time since he'd been to the hospital two weeks ago.

The first thing he noticed was his eyes. They no longer had the dark bags under them that seemed permanent. He then noticed the lack of visible ribs when he took off his shirt. His hipbones were also going back into hiding. It was amazing how much two weeks could change him. He turned around, seeing the changes from all angles. He then did one thing he hadn't done in more than a month:

He smiled.

After months of being desolate and desperately broken, he could smile. It felt amazing beyond comprehension. He felt _free_.

"Boys! Katie! Come eat!" Mrs. Knight called from the kitchen.

His smile faltered almost unnoticeably, but it stayed in place. Eating was what they all wanted right?

_That's what they want you to think. They want you to get back to your old disgustingness so people will see how nice they are to actually be seen with someone like _you_._

Right.

x-x-x-x-x

Logan sat on his bed, staring at a picture of him and his friends before everything happened. He still didn't know why it happened, and it killed him every day. He never concentrated on that though; he was more concerned about his friend's recovery. After last night, things were looking up for them all.

The picture showed them all laughing and smiling about something after they were done with their work for the day. Logan smiled at the memory, but the smile faded as he placed the picture on his night table, remembering how unhappy everyone had become. He was now terrified of ambulances. He couldn't see one without remembering _that_ experience. James was now simply angrier. He was furious at the world for what had happened. Carlos, even though he thought nobody knew, had changed too. He was still full of energy and innocence, but now he seemed to watch Kendall with wise eyes beyond even his years. He had become more mature ever since everything had happened, and refused to talk about it, as did James.

Logan had nobody to talk to.

He was totally alone with the fear and memories of what he'd seen and they had not.

And he could handle that as long as everything got better. Typical Logan.

At least they hadn't completely changed.

x-x-x-x-x

Everyone went to the table to eat what Mrs. Knight had made in a comfortable silence. They were relishing in the obvious progress Kendall had made the past night. Nothing could bring them down from that high.

"Good morning Mama K." James greeted with a smile as he sat down at the table.

"Morning James." She replied as she sipped her coffee. "How is everyone this morning?" She directed the question to everyone. She smiled as they all replied good as they stuffed their faces. Her smiled turned to a frown as she realized her hurting son wasn't at the table with them.

She turned her attention to the bathroom as the door creaked open and out walked a certain blonde.

"Hi honey, want anything to eat?" She asked with a hopeful smile, which faded when she was met with a look of fear and a shake of the head. "Well okay, if you want anything don't hesitate to ask alright?" He nodded and hurried into his shared bedroom.

Mrs. Knight slumped her shoulder as the weight of fear returned, making her gain a thousand pounds. She looked into her cup of coffee, her reflection greeting her gaze. The liquid rippled as a tear fell into the cup, blurring her face. She looked up at her other kids, remembering she wasn't alone.

"Well, I'll leave you all to eat. Excuse me." She walked into her and Katie's room, eyes blurring and voice cracking.

The other four flinched when the door clicked shut. They looked at their food, appetites gone. What was wrong? Why couldn't he eat today?

Why did he look so _afraid_?

The first to speak was James. "Well, I'm not that hungry anymore. I'm gonna go get dressed and stuff, see you guys in a few." With that, he hurried from the table and to his room.

Logan felt his heart break watching Mrs. Knight, and it fell to the pit of stomach as James left. Rather than face Kendall and be met with the possibility of making everything worse, Logan went into the bathroom silently.

With his two best friends gone, Carlos was the only one left besides Katie.

The ten year old girl who had started tearing up between her mother leaving and now.

"Hey, hey, Katie, it's okay." He held the small girl in a tight embrace, trying to give even the smallest sense of comfort. A comfort they all desperately needed.

Carlos held onto his broken sister for a while, each trying to find comfort in the hug. Everything was falling apart again. Everything was bursting at the seams.

And nobody could stop it from getting worse.

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall laid on his bed, deep in thought. His cheeks were stained with tears that had fallen, and new ones falling currently. His stomach was on fire, the familiar pain returning.

_He didn't want to be this way. It wasn't his choice._

He wanted to stop, he truly did. He wanted to eat and not fear the impending weight gain that would be inevitable one day. He wanted to have a corndog-eating contest with Carlos again; he wanted to have his pink smoothies down at the pool again.

He just _couldn't_._ His mind wouldn't let him_.

He was a prisoner.

And so the tears fell faster and harder as he thought about absolutely _everything_.

He wanted to badly to feel like he was worth the love of his friends, like he was worth eating for.

That he was worth _living_ for.

He felt the anguish build and build inside his body, weighing him down so heavily he couldn't breathe anymore. He was gone, practically beyond repair.

The pressure was becoming too much.

His thoughts turned to how easy it had been before they had all found out about his "dirty little secret". It had been so easy to hide then. Nobody cared or noticed. Not that they would, they had things far more important in their lives to worry about a charity case like _him_. It was a shame he was so plain and pathetic. Had he been actually worth something, maybe his friends wouldn't have to feel so bad for him. He was just making their lives miserable.

The weight on his body increased and breathing became harder and harder once more.

It was _way_ too much. He couldn't handle it.

Stifling any future sobs, Kendall got up from his bed feeling numb to everything. He walked to the bathroom (which Logan had left after about an hour) and shut the door. He sank to the floor, his vision fading. _How could he get rid of this pain?_

The answer appeared as if magic.

He dragged his lead body up from the frosty tile floor and began walking to the cabinet. He opened the door, eyes meeting the desired relief with a smile. He picked it up and got to the center, the part he desperately needed.

He brought it to his wrist, but stopped. Too easily seen… He thought for a moment, and then beamed as the answer came to him.

He dragged the sharp blade to his skin, the pressure that was boiling his blood being released like air from a tire. His eyes closed in relief as he watched the crimson pour out of his thin cut.

He felt at peace for the moment.

And hips were easy to hide.

**AN: ANGST OVERLOAD! Ok, **_**that**_** was **_**VERY**_** hard to write. I feel kinda weird writing about that…I never knew I had it in me! I hope you don't mind the vague description but I couldn't go into any detail. I still feel **_**really**_** awkward about writing that …:-/ Anyway, hope you liked it! Review? :D **


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16: Save Me**

**AN: Ok, well I have a 4 day week ahead of me and I really miss writing, so what the heck I'm gonna update! Thank you all so much for all these reviews! 125! **_**Beyond amazing**_**! :D Enjoy this chapter!**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

Kendall closed his eyes, breathing in and out slowly, savoring the release.

He finally felt free from everything going on.

Once the blood clotted and ceased to flow further, he panicked; there was blood all over the tile floor and his clothes! There was also the blade that would have to be dealt with and hidden. He jumped up, rushing to the cabinet to find gauze and bandages to cover the evidence. When his frantic wrapping was completed, he grabbed dark towels to wipe up the blood that had fallen to the floor. As soon as he finished, he sighed in relief. That wouldn't happen again. It wouldn't need to happen again.

And his friends would _never_ have to know.

x-x-x-x-x

James stared ahead at the ceiling above his bed, deep in thought. One question stayed anchored in his mind;

_Why? _

_Why_ did Kendall feel so _horrible_? _Why_ did he feel he had to do _that_? _Why_ couldn't he have _seen_ what was happening? _Why?_

James groaned, shoving his pillow in his face. He was fed up with everything. Kendall was the leader! He was supposed to stay strong through everything! He wasn't supposed to have cracks in his armor…

With a start, he got out of his bed and went into the other room, where Logan and Carlos were watching TV. He sighed at their expressions:

Logan looked like normal; he had a plain face, no emotion showing. Had one not known, one would believe nothing was going on.

But his eyes told a different story.

Logan blinked a mile a minute, giving James the impression he was fighting back emotion. He understood; they were boys, and boys don't cry.

Feeling a pang of sympathy for his older friend, he turned his attention to his oldest friend.

It was not a pretty sight.

Carlos, from feeling as if he was supposed to step up and be leader, had deep purple bags under his eyes from stress and a lack of sleep. He worried about everything, from Kendall's obvious pain to worrying about the other two falling apart as well. With all the pressure, he didn't notice but he was slowly falling too.

James walked over to them, and once he sat down, the other two straightened up. He sighed. "Guys, you don't have to be strong all the time. Relax, okay?"

Carlos laughed, but it wasn't his normal happy-go-lucky laugh; it was a dry, hollow sound. Logan just winced.

"Uh, James, we kinda do." Carlos began, looking at James with weak eyes. "If we aren't how can he get better?"

James looked down to his lap, playing with his hands. "He should be the strong one, not any of us. It's _his_ job." James finished in a whisper, head in his hands.

Logan bit his lip as he watched the heartbreaking scene unfold:

Carlos, being the sane one that he had become over the past weeks, hugged James as he shook fiercely.

Suddenly, James broke free, eyes wild with an angry fire. "This shouldn't be happening! Nothing anything _like_ this should be happening! He's the leader! He's supposed to be the strong one when we can't! Can you not _see _what's _happening_ here? Carlos, you're _losing your mind_ and Logan, you can't even _hear_ an ambulance without freaking out! How can you become a doctor if you get scared from an ambulance? I can't take it anymore! What will it take for things to return to normal around here?" James finished in a pure yell, chest heaving with the effort. The other two sat, gawking at him with wide eyes.

Carlos was first to speak. "James, we all know this isn't any kind of situation we could have imagined-"

"Then tell me how it happened?"

Carlos thought for a moment, mouth opening and closing but no words could come out.

"I don't know."

"Exactly" James spat. "Nobody has any answers." He walked back into his room, fuming.

Carlos turned around to Logan, who had concern etched in his features.

"He's just frustrated. He'll come around."

Logan nodded, eyes focused on the door to the room where James was hiding. "Yeah, he will."

As they watched the door, neither noticed another figure enter the room with a vacant look on his white face.

"Hey guys." Kendall said, walking over with his hands in his pockets and his eyes on the floor.

Needless to say, he heard everything.

"Hey Ken, what's up?" Logan turned to him and plastered a smile on his face.

Kendall subconsciously rubbed his hip with his index finger that had been sticking out of his pocket. His hidden secret…

"Oh nothing."

Logan smiled and got up. "I'll be right back." He went into the room he shared with Kendall.

Carlos watched Logan leave, and then turned to his blonde friend. "Hey Ken."

"Hey yourself."

Carlos looked down for a moment, wondering what to say. He was at a loss for words at the whole situation.

But then an idea entered his mind.

"Wanna watch some hockey?"

Kendall looked at him with confusion. Was he serious? They hadn't watched a game of hockey in months.

"Yeah, that sounds awesome." Kendall grinned and sat on the couch next to Carlos as they watched the Minnesota Wild.

It was a comfortable silence between them with the occasional cheer and high-five. Carlos was happier then than he had been in months. The real Kendall was still in there.

He just had to pull him out.

x-x-x-x-x

Logan jumped at the cheers coming from outside his door from reading his medical textbook. Curious, he stepped outside to investigate. He smiled when he saw Carlos giving Kendall a man-hug to celebrate a goal by the Minnesota Wild. He laughed as Kendall did his happy-dance. He couldn't believe what was happening. He felt like a proud father at that moment. Kendall was in there. It was buried deep, but there. Logan ran to James' room and opened the door with extreme force, tears of joy building in his eyes.

"Logan? What the-"

"You need to see this."

Logan led James to the other room, where Kendall and Carlos were now having a pillow fight like they had in the past. Logan smiled and laughed through tears of joy while James stared with his mouth gaping. He was in total awe. He pinched himself and felt it.

_It was really happening._

Things like this hadn't been seen in months, and it was a beautiful sight especially under these circumstances. James started to laugh as well, and soon all four boys participated in a pillow fight at the end of the game (which the Minnesota Wild won of course). It reminded each of them of the pillow fight they'd had during boot camp in the sound booth.

Finally, things were looking up for the boys.

**AN: I had to create some cute moments in there :) Hope you liked this chapter, even if it was designed as a filler. The next chapter should be better! :D Reviews are welcome!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17: Why?**

**AN: OH MY GOODNESS LOOK AT THESE REVIEWS! :O I'm awestruck. Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked the happy chapter :D Sorry for the lack of updates, but I had to take the extra time to get this as close to what I want as I physically possibly can. Well, here is chapter 17! **

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

It had been two weeks since the hockey game.

Two weeks since he'd shown a glimpse of the old him.

Two weeks since the other three had had _hope_.

Two weeks since everything changed.

Now, they weren't worried. He was eating again, and smiling all the time. He laughed, and had corndog eating contests with Carlos. James was no longer angry, Logan no longer afraid. They were themselves again, the four hockey heads from Minnesota.

It was as if nothing had ever happened.

If one asked Logan about what had happened, he'd hesitate before responding "That wasn't a nightmare? It was real?" because it felt unreal. Life was perfect again. Everything had gone back to normal.

Which is why, after so many weeks and months of never leaving him, they left him alone.

x-x-x-x-x

It was a lie.

Everything they had come to know in the past two weeks was a lie.

An _act_.

He was a good actor, thus he pulled off the role well; the scene did not call for weakness.

He knew how afraid they were, how upset and frustrated they had become because of _him_. It was honestly a hateful quality.

So he acted happy for them, hoping to heal them up. He could wait, they were far more important. His friends and family meant everything to him, thus he had to keep them safe and happy as much as humanly possible, and then some.

So while he was putting on his little "show", the clothes got bigger again, but they never noticed. They only saw the surface; he was eating.

They just never saw him stick it in his napkin when they weren't looking.

He had other secrets too; while they slept, he made himself get up and work out in silence doing sit-ups, push-ups, and if he was lucky, he could sneak out to the gym (open 24/7) and work out. Sure, he was tired, but it wasn't something he wanted to let go.

His final secret was one people never would have guessed. Not even he saw it coming for that matter. He never wore shorts anymore; they were to dangerous, people could potentially see. It was not a onetime thing; it happened every day.

His new favorite number was twenty-eight, and increasing.

x-x-x-x-x

Logan was exhausted.

He was done with worrying all the time; it takes its toll after a while. Sleep and food seem unimportant when you worry too much.

Which is exactly why Kendall's recovery was such a godsend.

Now, he could smile and have it reach his eyes, they were no longer fake smiles. He laughed again, too.

He could finally live his own life again now that he wasn't consumed with worry. He and Camille got back together, much to the delight of the other three boys. He could breathe again.

Life was finally a utopia for him. He had it all.

x-x-x-x-x

After the hockey game, Carlos had slept for almost the whole next day (so late in fact, Logan got worried and thought something was very wrong). The bags under his eyes had disappeared. He was almost completely back to his crazy wild self before the world he knew crashed down.

He was fully prepared to fight to get his old life 100% to where everything was happy.

He was ready to put up a fight for his friends,

His career,

The fans,

And most importantly,

For Kendall.

x-x-x-x-x

Work resumed that day, and the four boys were rushing around trying to get ready for the day in their own ways. Mrs. Knight was in the kitchen reading a magazine and sipping coffee as James perfectly styled "the face" and Carlos went around the house trying to find his helmet again. Logan was in his and Kendall's room reading some of his medical textbook before they left, and Kendall was in the bathroom changing to give Logan reading time.

He put on his jeans while carefully avoiding the cuts and then his blue plaid shirt. His regular beanie came last, and when he went to put it on, he stopped to look in the mirror, into his own eyes.

He saw just total _emptiness_. The emerald green orbs had lost their luster and now were as dull and lifeless as his hair was. He sighed, then walked out of the bathroom to his room.

"Hey Ken." Logan said upon seeing the blonde walk in.

"Hey Loges. Interesting stuff you got there." He raised his eyebrows.

"You know it." Logan laughed, then closed the book. "Is everyone ready to go?"

"I think so, Carlos finally found his helmet and I'm hoping James finished up in his room. How long can it take to style hair?"

"No clue, don't wanna know. Let's go, we'll be late if we don't leave now." Logan got up and walked over to where Kendall was standing. The boy looked completely spaced out. "Ken?"

He jumped at Logan's voice. "Huh? Oh, yeah let's go." But before he could turn away completely, Logan saw through a crack in Kendall's mask.

_Something's very wrong…_

x-x-x-x-x

Once everyone was in the BTR mobile, Logan drove them all to Rocque Records. It was silent, but knowing the boys of Big Time Rush, that wouldn't stay for very long.

"Where's my lucky comb?"

Logan sighed. "James, you can't be serious. How can you lose it if it's in your pocket all the time?"

"I don't know Logan, maybe _someone_ stole it." He glared at Carlos, who threw his hands up.

"Me? Why would I steal your stupid comb? I don't care half as much as you!"

"Don't lie! I saw you! You walked over to my side and took something and I know it was my comb!"

"James. I took a _pen_."

"_Then where is my comb_?"

"Hey James check your pocket." Logan instructed. James did as he was told and did indeed find his comb.

"Oh, sorry Carlos." James smiled and combed his hair as Carlos rolled his eyes with a shake of his head.

Logan chuckled to himself and realized one thing that hadn't been noticed by either of the other two boys. He looked over to Kendall for a moment; the blonde was staring out his window, expressionless and without notice to the other three in the car with him. Logan was truly getting worried now, Kendall never behaved like this. Well, he _had_.

But that was when…

"Kendall? You okay bro?"

Kendall slowly twisted his head to look at Logan, who looked at Kendall and then the road on different turns, concern etched on his pale face.

"Yeah, I'm fine Logan. I'm fine."

Logan knew that was all he'd get so he let it go, even though he _knew_ it was a lie.

x-x-x-x-x

Once they got to the studio, all previous concerns were erased as the four boys went to see Gustavo and Kelly and record new songs.

"Alright dogs, today we're learning new songs; _Intermission_ and _Music Sounds Better With U_. Logan, go!"

They sand for hours until the end of the day, and the all headed back to the Palm Woods, piling into the BTR mobile.

Throughout the ride, Logan's head was spinning.

_Something is _VERY_ wrong. There has to be a reason why he's acting so…_strange_. I just hope he's not getting bad again. _

"LOGAN!"

He jumped and looked to where the voice called him. "WHAT?"

"We're here."

Logan looked at him with a dead stare. "Thank you Carlos. I can see that." They all got out of the car and headed up to 2J to relax after a long day. They all piled on the couch and sighed collectively, then looked at each other with bug eyes since, well, how often does _that_ happen?

Logan yawned and said "I'm gonna go read. See you guys later." He went into his and Kendall's room, leaving the other three behind. A chorus of "by Logan's" followed him as he left as they all watched the television.  
>Kendall got up next, and went into his room.<p>

He forgot Logan was in there.

Upon seeing Kendall, Logan grimaced. This was going to be hard.

"Kendall, you know if something is wrong, you can tell us, right?"

What, does he know? "Yeah, of course Logie. I know that."

"Okay, I just wanted to make sure. Since we are your best friends and we care about you."

Kendall's heart clenched, the oh-too-familiar feeling of remorse and guilt and _self-hatred_ returning. "Of course Logie! I know that."

"Okay Ken. I'm glad you do." He smiled at Kendall, who smiled a perfect mimic back.

He walked out with the smile on his face and headed into the bathroom.

Once the door closed, Logan's head crashed into his hands. Everything was so messed up from when they were in Minnesota. Nothing was going right. Kendall didn't deserve this. He never did anything wrong!

_So why was he suffering?_

x-x-x-x-x

Everything was falling apart again. No matter how hard he tried, everything just continued bursting at the seams.  
>But everything was okay, right? As long as they didn't know about any of his secrets, he'd be fine. They'd get on with their lives easily.<p>

_Even if he was gone._

But he couldn't think of that. He refused to even for a _moment_ think of that. It was too terrifying.

He stared at the white wall of the bathroom, his hollow-feeling body slumped in a corner, bitter tears falling to the tiles. _Why did this have to happen?_

If he had done it right, they never would have found out and they never would have gotten worried. He'd still be in the clear, as long as nobody noticed. It was practically foolproof.

_Except…_

Except that his friends cared about him and cared that he was hurting inside. They _were_ his friends, after all.

_Then why haven't they noticed that you _cut_ yourself? What if they have and they _don't care_? Do they _really_ care about you?_

He groaned as the inner voice started the battle with his good side, which the voice always won and made him worse. He sighed, hastily wiping his raw red eyes and walked to the sink, opening a drawer. He pulled out a certain silver object that would help all his problems and make them all go away.

One. Two. Three.

He closed his eyes as more life left them. The luster they had was fading, as was he. He sat on the cold floor, bleeding and teary eyed once more, when he raised his head in alarm and fear to a noise.

_Knocks on the door._

"Kendall, are you okay in here? You've been in here forever, and there's no water running."

_Logan._

Kendall's heart started racing. He couldn't answer, his choked voice would give away the fact that he was silently crying. He couldn't get up, he'd make a bigger mess.

"Kendall?"

No answer.

"Uh, I-I'm coming in, okay?"

No answer.

Kendall started to panic as he tried to hide everything as the door slowly and cautiously opened and Logan entered.

"_Oh my God…_"

**AN: Uh oh, Logan knows! :O what can happen to poor Kendall now? Just so you know I've been planning the next chapter in my head for a long time so I have a pretty good idea of what I'll do :D I really hope you liked this chapter, even if it was a little slow at parts and rushed in others. I just had to do that ending! Thank you for putting up with me, and thank you for reading! Care to leave a review? :D**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18: Finally**

** AN: Hey guys! It hasn't been too long, right? Well, here's the update! Hope you love angst! :D**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

Logan believed everything happened for a reason. That what didn't kill you made you stronger. He saw the good in everything he could, or at least tried. Some things he found absolutely no goodness in.

This was one of those times.

"_Oh my God_."

Logan couldn't believe his eyes at the scene in front of him. He comprehended his best friend, the color red, and something shiny. His mind refused to give him anything else on the subject. His best friend-no, his _brother_- was certainly _not_ cutting himself on the tile floor of the bathroom, tears flowing down his pale cheeks. He realized then that he looked like he did in the hospital, only his eyes were more distant and _white_ from all his lost _blood_.

He couldn't move from where he stood. Fear had its grip around the boy's heart, constricting his breathing.

So how did he manage to run over to the broken blonde?

"_Kendall, NO_!"Logan screamed as he grabbed the razor from Kendall's bony hand, for the blonde was still frozen in shock for the moment.

But that wasn't for long.

"NO! Logan! Give it back to me _please_!" He frantically tried to get out of the other boy's grasp and get back his prize. He deserved it. He was just…Kendall. He deserved it.

"Why are you doing this?" Logan seethed, enraged. How could Kendall betray them like this?

"Give it back!"

"Answer my question!" Logan's eyes were black, a color they had never been before. He was never furious like this. Sure he'd been mad before, but never _furiou_s to the point his blood could be felt _boiling _under his skin.

"Because I deserve it, okay! Now give it back!" Kendall screamed at his captor. Why was Logan pretending he didn't know he deserved it?

Logan's face softened for a moment, taking in the blonde's words:

_Because I deserve it_.

"What?" Logan whispered, still unknowing of the presence of Carlos and James.

"Don't act like you don't know. Stop playing the 'innocent' card. I know you agree with me." Kendall replied coldly. He was getting sick of them pretending.

"How could you even _say_ that, Kendall? Do you _NOT_ realize how _wrong_ that is?" Logan yelled at the shaking blonde, whom was now drowning in his own tears and was choking on his own sobs.

"Shut _UP_ Logan! Stop playing games! You _know_ it's the truth!"

"Shut up? _SHUT UP_? Kendall, do you even _know_ what you're _doing_?"

"Yeah it's called _solving a problem_!"

"It's called killing yourself!"

"_So what?_ A long term solution! Even if it's not what I want!"

"Then what do you want to accomplish doing this? Tell me, 'cause I have no idea what is going on in your head right now!"

"I'm not anything special! I'm practically nothing! I'm just a part if the band! I'm not important! I don't know why you guys are friends with me, because I clearly don't deserve friends like you! This is what I do as a consequence for being me when my friends are so much better! So when you guys started commenting on my weight, it just further proved my point! I'm not good enough to be friends with you guys! _Leave it alone!_" Kendall finished in a sad whisper-yell, a lone tear falling and landing on a red puddle, diluting it a bit. At this point, James and Carlos had walked into the bathroom after hearing all the screaming and went to see what was going on. They had heard everything Kendall had said.

Logan turned away from Kendall, clenching his jaw. _How did everything get so messed up?_

"So practically killing yourself is the right way to go then? Newsflash Kendall, we aren't perfect! Nobody is! We have flaws too! Don't hurt yourself over your flaws!"

"I don't want Kendall to die…" Carlos whispered to James in the background, keeping quiet due to the tension.

"I don't want to die!"

"Well, that's where you're _heading_!"

"_Please_, I haven't died _yet_, and I'm not _gonna_!" Kendall crossed his arms, his hands bloodying up his shirt, pants soaked and drying.

Logan felt like the air was knocked out of him. _"I haven't died _yet_, and I'm not _gonna_!"_

He didn't know?

"Earth to Kendall, you are getting closer to it with every second you do this to yourself!" Logan knew he hadn't been eating again. He'd noticed at some point during their argument. He was referring to that, too, not only his newly found problem.

"You don't know what it's like to be me! To suffocate in your own life, Logan! You've never been so sick of lies and everything that you wanted to burst!"

"I've experienced worse." Logan replied coldly.

"Oh yeah? Bring it."

Logan had been looking away, but soon looked back to Kendall with an ice cold glare that even had Carlos and James shudder.

_If you want to play dirty, so be it. It's on._

"You've never seen one of your best friends die in front of thousands of people! You've never felt the gripping fear that said best friend may not survive an ambulance ride! You've never seen you're brother's heart stop, and no matter what the paramedics tried, he wouldn't come back. You've never had to actually say goodbye to someone you've known forever! You've never experienced anything like that, so stop acting like you can take yourself away again! I've seen it! I've been through it! You died, Kendall! You died, and it's a miracle you came back! You should be dead right now! I said goodbye to you in that ambulance on the way to the hospital! You died…" Logan was bombarded with memories from that ride and the sound of a flat line filled his ears.

Then he remembered his goodbye…

And he collapsed with a sob to the tiles. He was lost in that past world, the source of his one recurring nightmare. He couldn't shake the memories of his dead best friend, the thousand-pound weight from that day returning so he started to hyperventilate due to lack of air getting into his lungs.

He was soon held by a pair of arms on his shoulders that belonged to one of his brothers; James, to be exact. Only Logan had no idea he was even still in the bathroom. He was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, reliving his past. He'd never spoken to anyone about his fears and memories or nightmares, so he'd been forced to keep them to himself. Besides, teenage boys don't get nightmares.

"Logan?" James shook Logan, in an attempt to make him calm down. He wasn't with them.

"Is he having a panic attack?" Carlos asked the brunette, the blonde cowering in a corner as he watched the scene unfold.

"I honestly think so. Logan? Can you hear me?" James asked, trying to get Logan to look at him. The smaller boy couldn't get his eyes to focus, and was still breathing erratically, quickening his heart rate.

"Quick! James, how did Logan say to stop a panic attack?"

"Uh…Slap him?"

"No that was Camille. What did Logan say?"

"_Oh_ I remember! You calmly tell the person where they are and what day it is!"

"Try it! Now!"

"Okay okay!" James looked back to Logan, whose face was now a deathly pale shade of white. "Logan? Buddy? You're not in the ambulance; you're at the Palm Woods, in the bathroom with me and Carlos." He decided to not mention Kendall, for that might make the attack worse. "It's November 13, you're okay."

At the sound of James' calm voice through the dream, Logan began to come to. His eyes focused on the other two boys and color returned to his cheeks.

"Wha-what happened?" He asked them quietly, still shaking like a leaf in James' grasp.

Instead of an answer, he was engulfed in a hug by James and Carlos.

"Thank God you're alright Loges." Carlos whispered.

"Guys…can't…breathe…" Logan managed to force out, and the other two let go, apologetic expressions on their faces. Then they turned to look at Kendall, who was shaking uncontrollably.

"Kendall, I hope you realize that the 'best friend' Logan was talking about was _you_. _You_ died in an ambulance. _You're_ lucky to be here. We don't know how you came back, and we're not questioning it. Logan was with you the whole time, while we were following in the BTR mobile." James explained, unable to make eye-contact with the blonde, whose eyes widened in shock and fear.

"Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"We didn't want to."

"You were already in the hospital bed, when they got there." Logan was now speaking. "They had no idea, and I told them that you were fine. And that you died. And that I had to say goodbye to my brother. You were sleeping.

When we got there, you were rushed into the ER because of severely low blood sugar and hemoglobin, thus you had no nutrients for your body to keep functioning. I was told to stay with you and just offer a 'comforting presence' as they worked…"

xxxxx

_ "Can we get some help over here? This boy is in critical condition!" A paramedic shouted to the trauma team at the LA Children's Hospital. Upon hearing the pleas, doctors and nurses rushed to help the barely alive blonde._

_ "Sixteen years old, male, collapsed during a show with his band and suffered from cardiac arrest on the way here, came back only a second ago." The paramedics told the team, who gasped at the sickly thinness of the teen. "I don't know how long this has been happening." _

_ "Get him in an exam room, STAT!" A doctor boomed to the other members, pointing to a trauma room not too far from where they stood. They wheeled Kendall in and started testing him, inserting much-needed IVs and taking blood._

_ Suddenly, the heart monitor went off in beeping noises that filled the tiny room._

_ "Someone give him a stabilizer!" A nurse followed the order and within ten seconds Kendall's heart returned to a normal pace. "Good. Now, who came with this boy in the ambulance?"_

_ "Um, that would be me."_

_ The doctor turned around to see a young brunette with scared, teary eyes standing outside of the room._

_ "Name?"_

_ "Logan Mitchell, sir."_

_ "Well Logan, do you know anything about this?"_

_ "Er, well, you already know has anorexia, right? Right…" Logan was very intimidated without the other boys there with him. In his mind, he realized there might only be two next to him for a very long while…_

_ "How did this start?"_

_ Again, Logan was at a loss for words. He had no idea. Kendall had always been so secure with himself. Sure, they bagged on him a lot, but that was because he could easily handle it. He was the strongest of all of them. _

_ "I don't know."_

_ The doctor gave him a sympathetic look as he saw what a mess this situation was. Clearly, the boy in front of him was a very good friend from the look of fear in his brown eyes. _

_ "Why don't you come with me? I think having a friend with him might make this a little better on his recovery. Normally this wouldn't be allowed, but I can make an exception just this once." Logan looked up at the man to see a sad smile. He followed Kendall's doctor into the room, and was met with the worst sight of his life._

_ There was his best friend, lying in a hospital bed, tubes and needles sticking out of his ghostly skin. His shirt was off as they listened to his heartbeat. Every rib poked out of his skin and left a pale purple bruise on his torso. It looked beyond painful. His eyes were also dark from lack of sleep for weeks on end. Logan knew now insomnia was a consequence of his disorder. Logan felt nausea fill his stomach at the sight, becoming sick with fear. He looked at the nurses who were trying to not show their shock and sadness for the young boy, who had so many more years to live._

_ "Alright, he's stable enough for a room. Give him a private one; I don't think his body can handle much right now." The doctor ushered his team and Logan to an elevator, where they went up to Kendall's new room during his hospital stay. They set Kendall up in the new room, big enough for him plus any visitors that would obviously arrive, and the nurses left, leaving Logan and Kendall's doctor in the room with the sleeping blonde._

_ "He's in a coma right now to help him recover after all he's put himself through. I've dealt with many patients, Mr. Mitchell, but this is by far the worst case I have ever seen. Now you make sure he has company, okay? He is very lucky to be alive, and you tell him that when the time is right. Is anyone else coming to see you two?"_

_ "Yes, our other friends Carlos and James; they should be arriving any second now."_

_ "Good. I will come back later to see everything. Good night." And with that, the man left Logan in the room, alone with his thoughts. He looked at Kendall once again, and the nausea that came alone with it came with a vengeance, and it was all he could do to move his legs to get to the bathroom in time._

_ He didn't notice two familiar figures walk past him as he ran…_

_xxxxx_

"Logan, why didn't you say anything?" James asked him, clearly concerned at the boy's story. He had kept so much a secret, what else was he hiding?

"Because you were dealing with it on your own, I didn't want to intrude. Besides, I had other concerns than spilling any secrets. At least mine weren't killing myself." Logan looked tiredly at Kendall, who was now avoiding eye contact with anyone.

Logan walked over to Kendall, placing his hands on the blonde's thin shoulders. "Look at me Knight." Kendall obeyed, and Logan cold see the despair in his eyes. "You're awesome. You keep us together when we get too…like ourselves. You keep me from getting to paranoid."

"And me from getting to vain, even though come on, I am gorgeous." James rolled his eyes, chuckling as he walked over to a now smiling Logan and a half-smiling Kendall.

"And me from getting to reckless during stunts!" Carlos finished, hitting his helmet for effect.

"As for your weight, we were only messing around, Ken. We had no idea…_anyway_, you are worth it. You've always been worth it. And I know I'm sounding really cliché like the end of a Disney movie, but it's true. We need our leader, and that leader is you. And yeah, we all have our days, but in the end, none of that matters if you do what you love with the people you love."

"Wow, who knew Logie could be an awesome pep talker?"

"Way to ruin the moment, Carlos."

Kendall was tearing up again, but this time, it was from happiness. He was _wanted_, he was _worth something_.

"Ken, what's wrong?" James asked in a very concerned tone. They just had a spill-all-your-secrets-to-everyone session, and now the already broken boy was crying? This wasn't going to end well.

But instead of sobbing, their leader laughed. A true, lighthearted laugh that rang like a bell.

"N-nothing's wrong, James, I-I'm just amazed that this is happening after all these years I've been waiting!" He erupted in a fit of laughter.

The other joined in, realizing how perfect a moment this was. Everything had been spoken, and there were no more secrets. Just the four best buds from Minnesota.

"So, think you can get better?"

"Now?" Kendall looked to Carlos, feigning disbelief in an attempt to scare them.

They nodded cautiously.

"Definitely."

The other three cheered and "whooped" and laughed, high-fiving each other.

Things were finally looking up.

**AN: LONGEST CHAPTER EVER! :D I hope you liked it! Reviews are welcome, so leave all your thoughts on this! :D Have a great weekend!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19: Progress 'till the End**

**AN: …I am **_**SO**_** sorry for not updating sooner! Every time I would attempt writers block would come and everything would just go down the tubes and BLAH. I am really sorry, but thank you for putting up with me for a while. I hope you all had wonderful holidays and New Year's Eves and such! Now, I think this is the second to last chapter; chapter 20 will be final one. I hope you all enjoy this! :D**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.**

Kendall smiled as he ate the turkey sandwich and drank his soda while he and the guys watched the hockey game on TV. It felt good, and now that he one hundred percent knew he had their support, he finally felt ready to let go and recover fully.

This seemed like the perfect way to start.

"_Gogogogogogo_!" James screeched while bouncing on the couch, almost spilling his soda all over the other boys. "_SCORE!_" He threw his free hand in the air in victory while the other three laughed. He always got really into hockey games, more than the rest of them.

"James, calm down. I actually like being dry." Kendall and Carlos laughed as Logan returned to his ways of being the mother hen when Mrs. Knight was out shopping with Katie.

"Logie chill out, nothing is gonna spill." James rolled his eyes at the brunette. Logan returned the gesture.

"You better hope not. I'm in charge, courtesy of Mama Knight."

James laughed. "Yeah, like that matters Logan. Now shush, the game's back on." With that, he focused on the TV, leaving an annoyed Logan.

Kendall watched his brothers acting…like themselves, and couldn't have been happier in his entire life. Yeah, he sounded like a total sap but it was true. His once dull-and-lifeless green eyes now had sparkle, shine and _life_ to them all from their previous tell all a while ago that Mrs. Knight would _never_ know about.

Then the phone rang.

"Logan, the phone is ringing!" James called out to Logan, who was sitting next to him.

Logan just looked at him with an "are you serious?" look in his expression. "James."  
>"Yes."<p>

"I can hear the phone." He picked it up and answered.

"Hello?"

"Logan, its Kelly."

"Uh, hi Kelly. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything is fine. I was just calling to ask if you boys would be okay with coming in tomorrow?"

Logan looked up for a moment, then put his gaze to the other three, who were currently jumping up and down due to a win. He smiled as he saw the joy in each of their faces, more importantly the genuine happiness in a certain blonde.

"Yeah, sure we can do that."

"Great! I'll tell Gustavo. See you boys tomorrow Logan."

"Bye Kelly."

Logan hung up right as the boys were calming down.

"Who was that Logan?" Carlos asked him, still beaming.

"Kelly. She wants us to go in tomorrow."

"Cool, we can do that." Carlos grinned, and the other two nodded, still pumped up.

"I say we celebrate this win with some corn dogs!"

"Carlos you just ate a sandwich."

"James, don't turn into Logan."

Logan, who hadn't been paying attention, suddenly perked up. "HEY!" He smacked Carlos' shoulder while the other three laughed.

"You guys go ahead; I'm gonna chill in my room." Kendall stated, chuckling. He walked out of the kitchen, three pairs of eyes following him.

x-x-x-x-x

Kendall plopped down on his bed, content. He hadn't felt this happy in weeks, so it was the best feeling in the world to him. His mind replayed the way everything just seemed to go right for them, now that he was really recovering. Their little "chat" had really opened his eyes and revitalized a feeling of life in him that he wasn't about to let go of in the near future.

He sat up, and his gaze caught to the picture frame on his bedside table. It was him, Carlos, James and Logan dressed in their old hockey gear after the win of their first championship; his favorite memory of his time in Minnesota with them. He beamed as he remembered the winning shot made by him and the cheering of the parents and fans.

It was then that he got an inspiration, something that hadn't happened for a pretty long while. He was a songwriter with writers block, but he found his muse in a picture.

_A picture's worth a thousand words, after all…_

He grabbed the picture, paper, and pen and just let out everything there was to say: thank you, I'm sorry, I missed you, family. Everything was going on that paper and it was spilling out like vomit. Of course, he was erasing what didn't make sense, but none of that mattered to him.

Once he finally finished (after only five hours), it became obvious that his friends were worried about him when they walked in, suspicion in their eyes.

"Hey guys." Kendall said, nonchalantly. He carefully folded the paper with his song on it behind his back, making absolutely no noise at all.

James narrowed his eyes, cautious. "What have you been doing for the past few hours? It's been dead quiet in here." His eyes glanced around the room.

Kendall sighed. It was going to be a long time until all their trust in him was restored. He'd been eating well and he hadn't cut himself since…wow, it'd been so long he couldn't remember.

Carlos smiled, lightening the mood. "Well, let's go do something now that he's done with whatever!" He led the way out of the awkward silence-filled room and down to the pool to spend the rest of the day before work tomorrow.

x-x-x-x-x

"DOGS!" Gustavo said in his typical loud voice "We're having a concert on Friday. I understand this is short notice, but even _I_ have to admit you know the songs like the back of your hand, and I hear from Mr. X that you can do the dances in your sleep, meaning you're already prepared enough for this. I want you all in the booth _now_ to begin getting ready! Now _MOVE_!"

And with that the four hockey heads scrambled into the recording booth to get ready for their upcoming concert, one harmony at a time.

"I swear this can't end fast enough." Logan guzzled down his water like there was no tomorrow once they finally got a break after a grueling rehearsal.

"I know what you mean. I hate harmonies even more now." James replied.

"You say that every day."

"Shut up Kendall." James nudged Kendall in the shoulder as the latter laughed and Gustavo returned.

"Okay, given there's_ nothing_ else to do here, please do me a favor and _get out of my sight_."

Logan, James and Carlos all but sprinted out of the room, but Kendall stayed back.

"Gustavo."

He turned around. "Yes, leader dog."

"I, uh, was wondering if I could perform a song I wrote at the concert on Friday."

"Let me see it then."

Kendall handed his boss the song, and the latter read it to himself, eyes widening.

"And you say _you_ wrote this?"

The blond nodded, knowing it was good.

"I gotta admit, it's pretty good. Yeah, perform it. It'll be the finale." He handed it back to the teen.

"Thanks Gustavo." Kendall turned to walk back to 2J.

_This is the greatest "thank you" I've ever done._

He smiled the whole way back to the apartment.

**AN: Thank you for being so patient :D Yes, this means I'll be including a song in the next chapter. I'll post the final as soon as I can, but midterms are coming up…joy. Anyways, thank you and leave a review! :D**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20: Happy Beginnings**

** AN: Hello, and welcome to the finale of Blind! My apologies for the lateness, I was just overwhelmed with homework and I had company over so I had to entertain, but I'm BACK! I hope you enjoy the ending to my first multichapter story, and I want to thank each and every one of you who reviewed, favorited, alerted and read. All the love this story has gotten means so much to me, and I can't thank you enough. I also hope you like my choice for Kendall's song; I've had it chosen for months! :D Now, without further ado, here's the final and twentieth chapter of my BTR story Blind! I hope you love it!**

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING.**

The concert came up as quickly as it was announced, but the boys were beyond prepared and ready to rock. Each one was in his own dressing room doing their pre-show rituals (superstitious was an understatement) to get pumped up for the impending performance.

The only one with a different ritual was a young blonde, who was shaking with anticipation in his room, a giant grin spread across his face as he read and reread a piece of paper. He had the words on the paper memorized so well they were recited in his sleep. His heart beat fast with anticipation to perform, if only to get to the finale.

The surprise performance by the one and only Kendall Knight.

The fans had no idea what they were in for, and neither did his band mates for it was a gift made just for them.

He just had to get through the concert, which was easier said than done.

"Yo Ken, Gustavo wants us to warm up, c'mon." James opened the door and peeped his head in, an obvious glint of excitement in his eyes.

Kendall laughed and walked out, replying with "He just wants an excuse for more harmonies." James laughed as well and the two teens met up with Carlos and Logan backstage to the screaming fans.

"Okay, so let's do this." They warmed up and sang surprisingly only a few harmonies.

Before they knew it, it was time for the show; the first one since the "episode". Needless to say, three-fourths of the band was a little weary of what was to occur during the coming show.

"Feeling okay Ken?" Logan asked before they went on.

He smiled, teeth gleaming. "Never better."

With that, they were announced onto the stage and the show began.

x-x-x-x-x

_City is Ours_, _Big Night_, _Paralyzed_ and _Famous_ were all performed perfectly, along with _Oh Yeah_, _Worldwide_ and _Invisible_.

Finally, finally, the concert was over.

The band, having prior knowledge and practice with the song, were ready to perform and be announced.

Kendall was about to explode from excitement.

"And now, a special treat; let's bring out Kendall Knight!"

The fans cheered and Kendall ran onstage to a stool set up in the center, sitting down with a microphone in front of him. The other three were confused beyond belief.

"Hey everyone!" He began, and he was responded with screams and cheers. "This was the first concert we've done for a while, and I don't know if you completely know why we went on hiatus for a few months, but I'm here to tell.

Basically, the pressures of being famous got to me and it affected me in a strange way. Past thoughts also led to me making some…bad decisions that greatly affected my health, mentally and physically." He inhaled, taking a moment to collect himself. He had to get it out. "It was hard, and it took a lot to get me healthy again, even nearly going down a not-so-pleasant path. But with the help of those guys," the spotlight went on to Logan, James and Carlos "I was able to get through." He smiled, knowing it was time. "This one's for you guys. Thanks for everything." He took the guitar next to the stool and began to play, and the band followed.

"_If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of_

_Then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall_

_And I am not immune, _

_I only want to be loved_

_But I feel safe behind the firewall_

_Can I lose my need to impress?_

_If you want the truth I need to confess_

_I'm not alright,_

_I'm broken inside, _

_broken inside_

_And all I go through, _

_it leads me to You, _

_it leads me to You_

_Burn away the pride_

_Bring me to my weakness_

_'til everything I hide behind is gone_

_And when I'm open wide _

_with nothing left to cling to_

_Only You are there to lead me on._

_'Cause honestly,_

_I'm not that strong._

_I'm not alright, I'm broken inside_

_Broken inside_

_And all I go through, _

_it leads me to You_

_It leads me to You_

_And I'll move,_

_and I'll move,_

_and I'll move,_

_Closer to You _

_And I'll move_

_and I'll move, _

_and I'll move,_

_Closer to you_

_And I'll move,_

_and I'll move,_

_and I'll move,_

_Closer to You_

_And I'll move,_

_and I'll move,_

_and I'll move_

_I'm not alright, _

_I'm broken inside_

_Broken inside_

_I'm broken inside, _

_Broken inside_

_And all I go through_

_leads me to You,_

_Leads me to You_

_I'm not alright, _

_I'm not alright,_

_I'm not alright,_

_That's why I need _You_."_

Not a dry eye was in the audience at the end of the song. The three other members of the band were also getting a tad teary-eyed, and they walked out to the stage with smiles on their faces.

"Thanks guys, for absolutely everything. You're awesome." Kendall laughed as he gave them each a bro-hug. They all laughed and hugged as the audience cried happy tears at how beautiful the scene was. The fans soon left the four teens and they looked around the stage area, admiring how huge it was and how lucky they were to be there.

"When did you write that?" James asked after a moment of comfortable silence.

"Few weeks ago when you were playing games."

"It was awesome."

"Thanks, Jay."

They started to walk out of the area and back to the limo, talking, but stopped once they saw a picture: the four of them in Minnesota decked out in their hockey gear, giant smiles on their little faces. They looked carefree and happy, not a worry in the world.

"I remember that! That was after we won the championship!" Logan laughed. "Kendall was almost kicked out after being too violent!"

Kendall chuckled. "That ref had something against me, I swear!"

They laughed at the old memory and reminisced about others from the game.

"We've had some pretty awesome times, the four of us." James said as they resumed walking.

"You got that right. And we'll have more next time we play lobby hockey and Logan and I win." Carlos responded, punching James' shoulder.

"You wish!"

They laughed and made it to the limo, then traveled to the Palm Woods.

"Seriously though Kendall, that song was awesome. Best gift ever." Logan patted Kendall on the back.

"It's cause I love you guys like my brothers."

"That's good, cause we love you too."

Kendall smiled. "You know what?

I love me too."

** AN: AND END! :D Thank you for reading this, and yes that was Sanctus Real. I chose it because I felt that it would be a sort of closure for him to say he's dealt with it and it's done and gone so he can move on. I also just wanted to point out that Kendall says he loves himself cause he's finally comfortable in his own skin, I'm sorry if that was obvious but I'm paranoid xD Once again, thank you for reading and putting up with me and I hope you liked this story. Reviews are always loved! :D**


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